Monday, December 17, 2001

today a donut stared me in the face and i just looked away

Friday, December 07, 2001

Today Izzie the little girl I babysit for who is 16 months old
wanted to listen to her favorite CD over and over again as kids
do. Unfortunately, the CD was something like 'Top 10 Most
Annoying Kids Songs' featuring such puke artists as Sting,
Amiee Mann and Sheryl Crow.

Sting's song was 'The Muffin Man'. And in very predictable
Sting-like fashion he takes the song too far by then launching
into an over the top round two chorus of "There he goes the
bagel man, the bagel man, the bagel man..." Sting, was the
muffin man just not enough?

Who ever heard of a bagel or muffin man anyway?
I want to hear one about the donut lady.

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Somebody Has To Sell The Boring Office Chair:

Tonight I worked the most boring party that made the Chase coporate headquarters party I worked last week look like a fucking rave.

Tonight's party was at an office chair showroom...yes...an office chair showroom on 34th & Lex. A showroom with track lighting and "EZ Jazz" playing on the radio and tacky art involving dolphins and office chairs on elaborate pedestals. The buyers were men and women with gigantic hair and greasy curly ponytails and bad suits and squeaky shoes that squeaked around the entire showroom for hours drinking cheap wine and trying out all the chairs like Goldilocks. Too small, too tight, nice arm grip, smooth wheels... Nothing like watching a bunch of people kicking back in some cozy chairs while you've been forced to stand next to a cheese tray for seven hours.

Then I got promoted to "Passer". When I came out with a tray full of mini pumpkin tarts no one ate them. When I came out with a tray full of polenta cups stuffed with Gorgonzola cheese no one ate them. But man...after a very frustrated and desperate chef loaded me up with a tray full of pigs in a blanket-look out! Those people were like attack dogs! "Now this is the real stuff sweetheart!" said one red nosed drunk man.

It might not have been so bad hadn't I been forced to go on an emergency bev napkin run to the floor below me. There, I was shocked to find a cluster of my cool catering friends- the ones with sour bad sarcastic attitudes like myself that help pass the time away - working the "hip" chair showroom. Their room had the lights dimmed, Moby blaring from the speakers, cool looking well dressed guests that all appeared to be Germans wearing funky glasses and sitting in bright orange banana shaped chairs while eating pate de foie gras on herb toast.

They say people resemble their pets..but their chairs???

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Catering Handbook Rules:

-Never refer to a guest as "dude" or "lady"
-Never not touch a guest
-Beards are to be grown on your own time. All waiters must be clean shaven
-No gum chewing at any time or using a walkman
-Only black socks in excellent condition are allowed
-When encountering broken glass, remain at the accident site
-If you crumb one person you must crumb them all
-Always have de-seeded lemons available for guests

Monday, December 03, 2001

How I Know Mom Cares:

Recent Care Package Contents 12/3/01:

1 box of Stove Top stuffing (low sodium)
1 can of Campbell's Cheddar Cheese soup
1 can of Barrel Cured Sauerkraut
1 pack of 2-alarm Chili Mix
4 Clementines
2 boxes of My * T * Fine Tapioca Pudding
2 cans of Bumble Bee tuna (Chunk light)
1 jar of Franco American Turkey Gravy (Fat Free)
1 can of Carnation Milk (Lowfat)
1 can of sliced black olives
1 can of Dole Pineapple slices (in its own juice)
4-pack of Italian Good Seasons salad dressing mix
1 can of tomato paste
1 box of Rice Pilaf
1 box of Tabouli
1 bag of shredded wheat
1 can of Progresso's Split Pea soup (with ham)
1 can of Healthy Choice Chicken With Rice
1 can of Libby's Pumpkin Pie mix
1 box of chicken flavored saucepan stuffing
1 family size jar of Prego Pasta sauce with fresh mushrooms (100% natural)
1 box of curly edge lasagne noodles
1 box of linguine
1 family size can of Campbell's tomato soup
1 jar of Chicken bouillion cubes (no MSG)





Saturday, December 01, 2001

Daily Confession: I stole and ate leftover Halloween candy from the little kid I babysit for. Like a lot of it.

Can someone please explain to me the allure of the Christmas
sweater?

Really. I don't get it. I can almost deal with your average
horrible red sweater with a huge Frosty the Snow Man on it
(although that is really bad) it's instead what seems to be the
year 2001 version of the Christmas sweater that has gone to
new heights with it's printing of gigantic amounts of text from
' 'Twas The Night Before Christmas' on the front, back, neck
and arms of some poor lady. I mean at this rate what could
be next? Pants with 'The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere'
puff painted on them?


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