Sunday, June 30, 2002

I'd like to say for the record that AOL and Verizon
can go fuck themselves:.

KDunk's back and with a vengeance.

Friday, June 28, 2002

When asked what she is doing this weekend, the Swedish girl
in our office replied with enthusiasm, 'My boyfriend and I are
staying in Intercourse!'

Um...she meant Intercourse, Pennsylvania but ah...let's just
say it threw us for a loop at our morning meeting. I hope my
weekend is that exciting.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Can I Suck On That 'K' ?

Last night I went solo to a PAPER magazine party.
My friend Anna was a no show. I used to intern there
so I knew some people. My plans were to go, have a
drink, see some people I used to know, maybe meet
people I didn't know and chill. But then I remembered
I'm not a guy and therefore this plan could never

Guys don't truly grasp this concept but a chick…can not…
go to a party solo without being HARASSED. The men
that harass me are always in the form of 'Mr. Joe Khaki
pants.' I could have a bone through my nose and orange
hair and they'd still be zooming over to strike up
conversation. I know I sound like a crabby bitch but
too bad.

The party was full of models wearing the latest trends
which appear to be leather hats, belts made out of shells
and fringe boots. The guys got away with wearing wrinkled
white T-shirts and being unshaven. I wore black pants,
boots and a black tank top with a white 'K' I ironed on right
before the party. This prompted one fuck wad to feel the
liberty to say in passing, 'Can I suck on that 'K' ?

On my way home I waited at a crosswalk for the light to
change. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a car pulling
over to the side of the road near me and rolling down the
window. I knew I shouldn't look but I did. What else but
a large man jerking off inside. When the light went green
he apparently climaxed and spun off.

Two blocks from my apartment I walk by two guys sitting
In white plastic chairs outside a 24 hours laundry mat.
'Excuse me!' one guy yells out in a thick Yugoslavian
accent, 'I bet my life wages that you from Albania!' I
watched as he nudged his friend with confidence. This
has happened before. Being mistaken for someone I
am not. And it's always Albania they say.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

What's With Totally Naked Chicks In The Locker Room?

It's been a while since I've been in a girl's locker room.
I was in them all the time for high school gym class or
after field hockey practice. I know the image of a girl's
locker room is like a dude's wet dream but guys...let me
be the first to tell ain't always a pretty site.

For example, in college at night I swam in our Olympic
sized swimming pool. It was all fun and relaxing until
inevitably like clockwork I'd run into my sixty year old
Children's Lit professor who not only walked around
nude in the women's locker room but would have full
blown conversations with me while toweling off her
'lower regions'. As if listening twice a week to this
woman ramble on and on about the life of Lewis Carroll
wasn't creepy enough I was also forced to grapple with
a reoccurring image of her slipping into a pair of black
stockings sans underwear.

Tonight I joined the New York City Y pool. The locker
room was a mixed bag of modest people, semi-modest
people like me and your full on, 'hi i'm naked and proud,
excuse me while I bend into my locker and expose you
to my inner regions via my butthole' types. Whatever.
I'm trying to be more casual about it. I even had the
courage to bend down in my thong to pick up my sock
while a girl walked by fully dressed behind me. Little did
I know I'd see her walking by five minutes later with nothing
on but a gold diamond necklace with scripty letters that
read, 'Laticia'.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Hi I'm A GQ Stud Freelance Photographer
And I Know More Than You'll Ever Know
About Everything

I just had the most irratating conversation
with a cocky photographer guy from GQ
magazine. I called him with a basic question
on what type of digital file he wanted me to
send him and he was just short of telling me
what a computer was. He was also the type
of guy that when I said something like, 'I would
suggest I send you image #7' he'd cut me off
in a booming voice and say, 'Actually, I think
you should send me image #7.'

Um..ok genius.

Friday, June 07, 2002

As many of you already know. Please never allow
me to wear a white sweatshirt that says,
'Cats, books...what else is there?'

The Fed-Ex man is whistling 'Lullaby and Goodnight'
the song you sing to put a baby down to sleep. It is
frankly...kind of creepy.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

This morning at 5:45am I woke up to a grown man
my neighbor across the way screaming 'oh my
fucking god!' and 'wooo-hooooo!' and 'Yeah!!!!!!
Fuck yeah!!!!!'

At first I thought he was having sex, then I thought
he may be beating up his girlfriend because he
sounded totally demented. Then I remembered
that the US was playing Portugal in the World
Cup. Men. Jesus.

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