Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Past Employment That Didn't Make The Resume

Cookie's
Waitress. Responsible for seating people and handing out
dirty menus with old food stuck on them. In charge of lying to
customers that things were 'out of season' when they were never
ever really on the menu. Endured sexual harassment from the
cooks on a daily basis and responsible for bailing out of jail
once a week my fellow employee, crack head waitress nick
named 'Pickle'.

Tax Reduce Services Inc.
Assistant to mad scientist/computer systems analyst hippie
guy who fought for homeowners that have been over-taxed.
Responsible for fetching him Fresca soda, buying him Finesse
shampoo at the local drug store, writing angry petitions in
his name and feeding his Cujo style dog named 'Rambo' that
hated women.

The Doof Pot
Storage Clerk. Responsible for unloading heavy, expensive, one
of a kind breakable pieces of glass and china from Italy that were
shipped in an itchy and scratchy hay like material I was highly
allergic to.

Sarah Solomez/Soap Maker/Artist
Gallery Assistant. Responsible for working in low lit,
factory style conditions for crazy disorganized feminist
woman artist. Responsible for carving hundreds of 'Venus'
and 'Penis' shaped soaps -using such things like soap cutters,
wax molds, veggie glycerin, various oils and foaming agents
all of which I assume will cause me to grow a third arm at
some point in my life..

Private Flute teacher
Private flute teacher to two middle school kids. One kid
had no rhythm at all nor would ever have. The other had
two front teeth missing making each and every note from
the flute sound like as someone once said "wind whipping
through an empty Pepsi can".

Friday, November 22, 2002

I Want My Swami

Last night More Than Donuts was freezing
and was forced to stop at the most hated store
Old Navy to buy herself a scarf. Trying to
avoid eager salespeople wearing felted Santa
hats, More Than Donuts quickly headed to the
very back of the store to the sales rack. After
finding a simple black scarf, More Than Donuts
headed to check out and was greeted by a friendly
sales man staring at the Swami pin on her jacket.
Sales man wore an Old Navy visor and a head set.

'What does your button say?' he asked and squinted.
'Swami'
'Do you know a Swami?' he asked.
'No actually. My pin is Swami as in Swami Records-
a record label.'
'I am Hindu and I have a Swami. It took me two years
to find him.'
'Wow, really?'
'Yes. One day too you will have a Swami. You need to
meditate every day.'
'Meditate for a Swami?'
'No. Just meditate. You may feel lost now but keep going.
You are on the right path.'

With that...Old Navy salesman smiled, gave me cash back,
flicked off the light to his register and headed down isle
four.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Speaker Phone Dick

I hate when someone calls the office on speaker phone
like Joe Executive Dick and types frantically at an ear
piercing volume and after I pick up and say, "Hello" they
just say loudly and all deadpan like "MARIA" and I say,
"Excuse me?" and they say "MARIA" and I say "Excuse
me?" over and over again playing dumb secretary until
they are finally polite enough to pick up the fucking phone
and say, "Hello, is Maria there please."

Friday, November 15, 2002

Give Me Your Booze

Recently my accountant said I must send the IRS
$317 even if I have to, "rob a liquor store". Do you
think this is a bad thing for an accountant to suggest?

I only ask because this is what I have done.


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