Thursday, December 19, 2002

Laura Bush Language

Is Laura Bush from our country? I only ask
because when I watch a television program
such as Barbara Walter's 'Most Fascinating
People Of 2003' (don't ask) I could barely
understand her:

Examples:
Regular Speech------------Laura Bush Speech

Christmas Tree-------------Christmas Dree
Children-----------------------Jildren
Marriage-----------------------Marewedge
My husband------------------Myhuband
Christmas Cheer------------Christmas Jeer

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

More Than Donuts is bummed that she
went ahead and opened her big mouth.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

4 1/2 Hours

Person that should be required to endure a 4 1/2 hour
meeting:

The President of the United States of America

Person that should not be required to endure
a 4 1/2 hour meeting:

Me

Monday, December 16, 2002

TP and Tapas

It's great when you go out with a pile of new
friends-drinking wine, eating tapas-and at the
end of the night just when you think to yourself
'wow. I hope they had as much fun meeting me!'
you happen to notice a two-foot trail of toilet paper
sticking out from the back of your pants.

What more is there to say, really?

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Things Look Better In The Morning

Today More Than Donuts would like to give
thanks-thanks to the IRS for calling my work
yesterday to speak to my boss regarding my
delinquent account and even thanks to the
giant, dirty, hairy, Washington Square Park
rat that ran up my right leg when I bent down
near a cluster of bushes to put something in
my bag. You know why? Because on a day
when the IRS calls your boss and a rat runs
up your leg, things look a lot better in the
morning.

Friday, December 06, 2002

Thanks

Today I got a care package at work from mom.

Those of you that know me, have often shared a
good laugh or two over the years in regards to the
contents of such packages.

Like the time in college on Valentines Day when I
stood eagerly on line in the mail room and watched
all the girls ahead of me squeal in delight over the
giant teddy bears, heart shaped balloons and roses
they received from their boyfriends only to find out
my package was not from my latest crush/bassist
guy I'd met the week before but rather from you
know who. Hey, those girls may have gone home
with some fancy chocolates but I had one Christmas
china cheese knife, a box of vacuum cleaner bags,
three old Talbot's catalogues, chicken bouillon cubes
and five nude colored "nursing style" bras that would
make anyone jealous.

Or perhaps the time during Thanksgiving of last year
when I received a call from mom's friend Susan who
said as a "surprise" mom stuffed a care package in
Susan's car and I should totally come meet Susan at
some really inconvenient time at her very out of the
way apartment downtown to pick it up. When I arrived
at Susan's, I found a wheeling suitcase large enough
for a vacationing family of four jam packed with canned
goods such as diced black olives, condensed milk,
gravy in a jar, three alarm chili mix, two rolls of toilet
paper and three nude colored bras. Always bras. I may
have had to wheel that two hundred pound suitcase
home 75 blocks but dammed if my boobs would not
receive their proper support.

Today's package was modest. It came in a smallish
brown envelope. I opened it up to find a Christmas
tree skirt adored with angels, stars and the entire
'Twas The Night Before Christmas poem stitched on
it. No bras. While I'm tempted to freak out or to reintroduce
myself again to my own mother over the holidays, "Hello…
have we met before?" -instead this year I think I will just
say "Thanks."

Wow. It appears I may be getting older and wiser.
What do you say to that?


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