Wednesday, October 29, 2003

My Pal Corporate Cathy

Dana, my punk rock band pal just sent me
an email from her corporate job 'off-site'
the theme of their off-site being 'team
building'. Dana thinks she may be a flow
chart for Halloween. Damn. She beat me
to it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I'm always disappointed when I eat a cannoli.
I just am.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

It's possible that More Than Donuts believes
that all the pain and suffering that she and
those around her endured during the World
Series game watching -may have all been worth
it just to watch lame hitting, bad hair geling,
'i run like i have a dump in my pants' Jorge
Posada (thanks Adam) make the last out of
the game leaving the Florida Marlins the 2003
World Series Champs.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Gift Idea -Buy It

Do you know someone turning 30?

I suggest you buy them this great book
co-written by one of my pals Lockhart.

Wine For Chicks

The other night after a long hard day at work,
I stopped off at the liquor store to buy a nice
bottle of red wine. I walked through the aisles
until I came to a sign under a bottle that caught
my eye. I wish I'd written the exact words down
but the basic description went a little something
like this:

"This warm and soft red is a cozy combination of
many deep flavors encompassing that of blackberry,
honeysuckle and raspberry with a hint of chocolate
and exotic spices."

All it was missing was a complimentary copy of
In-Touch or US Weekly magazine. what...I bought it.
And for the record I didn't taste ANY chocolate.

Hold Everything

Somehow I think the store 'Hold Everything'
is lying to me when they say they can sell
me items that can hold EVERYTHING.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Who Let The Homeless Woman
Into The Office?

For a fortunate woman who has a lot of
clothes that often live in a giant ball on
the floor of my home, I sure dress like I
found my clothes in a dumpster. I'm day
two on the new job and so far I have worn:

-2 pairs of faded and worn out jeans
-1 black shirt with holes on bottom
-1 sweater with tiny lint balls all over it
-1 pair of shoes with really really bad scuff marks
-1 pair of dirty sneakers
-1 black wool jacket with cat hair on it

At this rate someone at the office is sure to sign
me up for one of those surprise makeovers.

Salad Bar Guy

Sometimes I wish the salad bar guy at the deli
would spend more time dressing my salad rather
then undressing me with his eyes.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

The New Batman

Christian Bale in a fast car, tight leather
and a cape. Huh. I'd go.

Please Someone Let Poor Dad Pass Go
And Get Off The Redding Railroad

I come from a family with an unusual line of business.
As a result I am drawn to strange and unusal things.
When I used to write freelance for magazines, I sought
out people with very strange occupations that I could
interview-a water color pet portraitist, a Robert DeNiro
lookalike, a female wrestler, etc. I wanted to pry inside
the minds of these people and find out how their
obsessions came to be such a huge part of their lives.

My parents run the National Scrabble Association.
In short-they arrange huge events where hundreds
of people obsessed with the game of Scrabble play
for money. A lot of money. The crowd is a mixed
bag, mostly characters one might find at a Trekkie
convention-people wearing Alf slippers and carrying
hand-painted tile racks.

This week dad was asked to check out the Monopoly
championships. It involved him flying to Chicago and
boarding a train marked "Redding Railroad" which he
rode all the way back to Atlantic City with Monopoly
obsessed contestants playing the game from seven
in the morning to seven at night. Dad was forced to
eat train food and did his best to avoid the midget
on board that was dressed like the Monopoly man-
black tux and top hat with a gray moustache who
apparently creepy enough stayed in character the
whole time.

Next year mom and dad will be running the Monopoly
championships in Hong Kong. Yes people. Just when
you thought things were strange enough.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Grady's Head

Any or all leads to where I might obtain
Grady Little's head on a stick can be sent


Dear North Fork Bank Court Street Brooklyn

You may think that the twenty-five individuals
on line using their lunch breaks to come to
your bank are there because they just love
the fact that you only have ONE TELLER open
at all times but guess what? It really is not true.
Or maybe you think the twenty-five of us on
line graying at the temples as we wait enjoy
watching the seven to ten free staff members
you DO have mull about hanging decorative
pumpkin and goblin window cling-ons? How
bout we put down the fishing wire and tape
gun people and provide a little assistance over

Friday, October 10, 2003


Today Rick & Amelia got hitched! Yay! It was me and E and
two other people that got to be there. I made A's flower
bouquet. It was very exciting. However, I almost missed
the entire thing because I had to pee so so so very badly
and was in the bathroom right after they called their name
out. oops. I made it back just in time. For those of you that
know me you know that only I would possibly almost miss
my best friends wedding because I was in the bathroom

Thursday, October 09, 2003

at the end of an eight hour day painting a room a
pretty green color-my foot was killing me. why? i
took my shoe off only to discover there was a giant
pebble in there the whole time.

yesterday i was called two things. 'lady painter' by
the washing machine man who said, 'it's good to
see a lady painter' and 'home run girl' when i
walked into a bar the moment my sweet loving
david ortiz decided to hit me a home run.


Monday, October 06, 2003

More Than Donuts Has Landed

Hi. I'm home. When the plane lands in my head
I say to myself, "I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!" because I am
very dramatic and always think I'm going to die.
Then I put on lipstick.

For each plane ride I take, I buy more reading
material than any one person could possibly read
in the allotted amount of time. For today's 55 minute
flight I had my Jamaica Kincaid book, the NY Times,
The Post, US Magazine, Vanity Fair as well as a
few NYT crossword puzzles. My very 'logical'
theory is well...if I STOP READING my plane is
pesty stewardess offers me pretzels I just
want to say, "Lady, can't you see I'm
controlling our destiny here???"

In more rational times (on land) I ask myself
how the hell would I ever be able to fly to Hong
Kong or what about somewhere like Australia
one day to visit my pal Momo?

Friday, October 03, 2003

Hey Y'All

Hey ya'll. I'm writing you from North Carolina. What do you think of that, huh? A New York gal like myself down here in the south. Typing on my friend's stepmom's laptop with a big red ball in the middle of the keyboard that's hard to move around. Today we went to the Dixieland Fair. They say fair like "fir" here. We drank iced tea with mint. We saw pigs in cages with signs that read 'Jesus Loves You' on them. Spooky. We also saw people eating fried Twinkies. Oh yeah-'we' is my two best friends from college and I. We took lots of photos at the fir. I hope some came out. Talk to y'all later.

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