Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Being Childish

One time during my sophomore year in college
I was forced to share a ride home for the holidays
with the campus freak named Julia. She wore
'Dr. Who' T-shirts (and not in a hip Brooklyn
kinda way) and in class she constantly made
bizarre references to the lives of various cartoon
characters. I was shit out of luck because Julia
was the only one that posted a flyer heading north.

'WHOOOO ARE YOUUUU? Need a ride north
for the holidays? As Dr. Who says 'The best way
to find out where you've come from is to find out
where you're going, and then work backwards.'
Call me Julia for a ride x7345'


Julia picked me up in a large pea green Scooby
Doo style van with a shiny sticker on it reading:

'When Things Get Rough There is HR Puff N' Stuff!'

The interior was adorned with Dr. Who crap, candy
wrappers, cartoon stickers and stuffed animals. Ten
minutes into our trip after Julia found out I never saw
nor wanted to see an episode of Dr. Who and that I
thought Scrappy Doo was a 'waste of a dog' she got
into a royal huff and popped in her '101 Cartoon
Theme Songs' cassette and sang along to some
of the words while humming along to the rest in
a way I found very, very annoying:

'He's Popeye the sailor man..toot toot! He hmm
hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmmm..'


Julia may have been strange but she did share
one piece of good advice with me I still recall,
'You know there's no point in being a grown up
if you can't be childish-sometimes.'

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Football For Girls

When I was younger my dad (poor guy
never had any sons) wanted to teach me
the rules of football. He asked me to sit
down while he set up two folding chairs
in our living room and said that basically
the point of football was to run from one
'chair' to the other thus scoring a 'touchdown'.
At the end he asked if I had any questions.
After a long pause I said, 'Um...do they use
real chairs???'

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Oh Dear

To all of you that I have manged to
piss off with my sarcastic sense of
humor in the last week-sorry. I plan
to be better about that.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Jimmy Carter Proposes Plan to End
Venezuelan Financial Crisis


Do you ever wish you could borrow Jimmy Carter
for a day? Have him over for coffee and crumb cake...
spread out all of your financial documents across
the kitchen table and say, 'What now Jimmy?'

Well I do. I'm sure it would be a lot better than
any book written by that scary coke snorting,
cliché vomiting, financial advisor Suze Orman.

Friday, January 17, 2003

Nobu-Schmobu

The other night I was invited by a pal for
fancy sushi. I was very excited because
I looked forward to seeing her and well…
it was on her company's bill.

When she said, 'Meet you at Blue Ribbon
Sushi' which is quite fancy in it's own right
for some reason I got in my head we were
actually going to New York's famous and
most fancy sushi joint 'Nobu'. Despite the
'BLUE RIBBON SUSHI' sign out front and
the 'BLUE RIBBON SUSHI' written in giant
letters on the menu I managed to tell a
number of very jealous people for days
after that I in fact ate at Nobu. It wasn't
until last night when I pulled out from
my jacket the 'BLUE RIBBON SUSHI'
pen that I stole from the restaurant did I
realize the extent of my denial.

E tells me that the next time he orders Fish
& Chips from the stand near his office he plans
to tell me he ate at the Blue Water Grill.

I guess that is what I get for stealing a pen.

Creative Inspiration

If you haven't checked out the creation of
Stacie Merrill's Shutterclique then you
are truly missing out people. For some
creative inspiration on a Friday might I
suggest you sip your morning coffee and
go through the photos taken by such people
as David Holloway, Gavin McCarthy and
Stacie Merrill herself. I even have a few
posted under moi-Kristen Williams.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

Full of Lies

Today More Than Donuts is full of lies.
She is also wearing new pants.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Is It Bad?

Do you think it is bad that right before my
dental appointment to fill a cavity I stuffed
a handful of candy in my mouth and drank
a Coke? Just curious.

Timing

Ritchie, the sweet Italian man on Court Street
in Brooklyn has not only been fixing sewing
machines for twenty-two years but he is also
a poet. When I called this morning to get a
diagnosis on my machine-worried that it was
totally shot and would cost me an arm and leg
to get fixed or even worse nothing wrong with
it (then what?) Ritchie reassured me by saying,
'Lady. It's not your fault. Trust me. I've been
fixin' sewing machines for twenty-two years.
They are like dance partners. Your needle and
bobbin were out of sync. When your needle
and bobbin are out of sync they step on each
other's toes and cause a jam. This can easily
be fixed. $50.'

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

I need some quiet time to think.

Monday, January 13, 2003

Monday Blahs

Today I wish I were a model on a four-week photo
shoot in Mexico. I'd never feel guilty for not writing
postcards to people because I would just assume that
everyone missed me. I'd be the most hated person
among my college alumnae when they read about me
in the 'Where Are They Now' newsletter. My biggest
thought of the day would be if I wanted a new cell
phone or if my new Louis Vuitton bikini had arrived
in the mail. I'd eat shrimp and salad for lunch but mostly
mojitos and cigarettes. My hair would look amazing all
day because at any point I could have it blown dry
professionally and not pay for it. I would get my toenails
painted shades like 'watermelon' and 'pink lemonade' twice
a day for the hell of it and never wear shoes. I would have
an amazingly even tan because part of my job required me
getting that professional tanning treatment where you stand
naked in a room with goggles on while they hose you down
with a golden tanning agent from head to toe. Is it Friday yet?

There Is Only One Secret

For those of you guilty of making plural the store
name 'Victoria's Secret' by saying 'Victoria's Secrets'
keep in mind there is only one secret and it is
Victoria's.

The Winter Blues

Today More Than Donuts wishes it were summer.
She wishes she were at the camp and reading a good
book in the hammock by the lake while listening to the
boys play wiffleball.

In the meantime, might she suggest a few things to pass
the time until summer comes:

*A nice brisk walk in the Brooklyn Botanic
Gardens
.$3.00. Can't beat the price.

*A great film by inspiring artist Andy Goldsworthy
at The Film Forum. Andy will teach you the true art of
patience in winter as he creates an ice sculpture while
using no gloves.


* A hot chocolate from the City Bakery. The chocolate
is as thick as soup and comes with a huge square
marshmallow that slowly melts as you drink it.

*Sort through old papers and toss out a garbage bag
full of junk. Note: Be sure to use Hefty garbage bags
seeing as I did not and came home to several private
documents such as bank statements and rough draft
love notes strewn about the streets of Brooklyn.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Don't Go There

The past few days I've been getting really bad
headaches. Prior to the past few days I can
honestly say I have never been a headache
sufferer. These occur mostly at my temples
but sometimes at the back of my head as if
suddenly someone has put an ax in my skull.
Dull. Consistent. Pounding. Owww.

To be proactive, I decided to check out the
National Headache Foundation online. Did
I need more water? Glasses? My cavity filled?

Well, may I NOT recommend the National
Headache Foundation online unless you want
to increase your headache. Thanks to it's 10,000
menu options and loads of useless information
you'd have better luck NOT curing your symptoms
by merely calling Moviefone.

Riding With Rosa

Many thanks to my recent female taxi driver
going by the name of one Rosa Bodega, medallion
number #8B87. Rosa was kind enough to ignore
the aggressive 'I'm gonna knock you down to get
to this free taxi' guy that pushed me aside in the
freezing wind and instead pulled her taxi right up
to me instead. 'Men! Where have their manners
gone
!' she huffed as I stepped inside.

I can officially say that riding in Rosa's taxi was
an experience. The interior was adorned in plastic
roses of every color. A small Dominican flag hung
from the partition next to photos of her smiling
family. Stickers on the windows read things like,
'Anything Is Possible If You Believe' and 'No Need
To Slam Door Please'
. A large supply of banana
clips were clawed around her visor which I assumed
were for any hair emergencies. I closed my eyes
and listened to the Latin music playing and right
when I thought to myself how cozy the seat was
I opened my eyes to discover I was actually sitting
on an Old Navy ad...a fleece covered taxi seat.
Now that is what I call smooth ride.


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