That Place

Do you ever order take out from the same
place for days on end and then one day
actually walk by the place for the first time
and think to yourself...dear god...how am
I still alive?

Just Another Tuesday

I am wearing brown today. I ate a dusty colored pita
with tofu. I brought some asparagus soup in but forgot
it was waiting for me. Sissy got an internship with a
famous hair dresser. Maybe this means I can one day
have good hair. My Russian friend tells me my ear is
red and that means someone is talking shit about me.
I have a crush on a boy with a red sweater. What does
that mean? I am learning the basics of our new Avid
even though I am a girl. I will take Spanish lessons and
one day I plan to build my own shed.

Sign Me Up

Might I suggest to any rock 'dude' advertising
music lessons that you not name your web site
www.crotchrock.com and perhaps stay away
from using the phrase 'my place or yours' when
reffering to the location of the lessons. Also...
pretty sure perspective students (much less
female ones) visiting your site don't need to
see 10,000 photos of you making an orgasm
face nor ones of you on your knees demonstraing
the 'jerk off' style of playing. Do us all a favor
please and save it for the mirror of your parent's
house where you most likely still live.

Interns- "Wait...what?"

I'm a big fan of interns. Always have been. They are cute
and enthusiastic and yet still manage to drive me insane
with their endless, 'what's our fax number again?' type
questions or blank stared "Wait...what?" type responses
to any detailed instructions involving more than ten words.

Things as an intern you prob want to remember:

-When boss says, 'Can you please run this errand but
try and hurry back here because today is really busy.'
don't spend two hours (literally) going to every Duane
Reade in America finding that one thing on your list.
For god's sake please PLEASE come back.

-When you go on said errand, please be sure to
TAKE THE MONEY you will need to run this "very
quick" errand so we can avoid wasted time and
any calls from you from a pay phone getting me
out of a meeting so I can let you in because you
also forgot your office key.

-When you get the phone please don't tell clients the
Prez of the company "just woke up and should be in
at any moment"

-When buying flowers for the office, please don't buy
$40 worth of dead tulips-and I mean dead.

-If you see a client slip on a pool of spilt water-WIPE
UP THE WATER so as to avoid any future mishaps
or lawsuits instead of waiting for me to tell you to do it.

-Please don't make a large number of COLOR copies
of what should be black and white fax cover sheets
with our logo. ($$$)

And finally-if you remove trash bag liners from all of the
45 trashcans we have in the studio. PLEASE replace
them.

I know it's a lot to ask...

Give Me The Best One You Ever Gave Or Got

Check This Out

Eliot may be the first person on earth to have people
lined up to view his vacation photos. And trust me
when I tell you that they are hardly Grand Canyon,
snore bore, slide show material. In this case it's
a recent jaunt to Mexico where his photos explore
the grainy underbelly of Mexican culture including
everything from the butts of Mexican cheerleaders
to a wild muskrat on the beach. Be sure to leave
him a comment.

Somebody needs to tell Cindy Crawford that
her kids need a haircut.

Just so you know...people that live in New York City have
all of this stuff in their house. It's very 'New York'. In fact I
am using my taxi cab yellow, checkered, jumbo sized,
New York pencil with a tassle at this very moment.

Perhaps the skull and crossbones black hooded sweatshirt
was not the best choice of clothing to wear to conduct and
interview for a possible new employee for our company.
She kept staring at the dagger.

More Deep Thoughts

Do you ever buy an overpriced pair of jeans that look
dumpy on you? The kind where you stand in front of
the mirror in the dressing room and turn around in
them 7,000 times to be sure they don't totally look
dumpy on you and even though the voice inside you
screams 'you look like you have a load in your pants'
it isn't quite loud enough to silence the sound of your
credit card purchasing the very same jeans you end
up bringing home to your bathroom where you turn
around in them again 7,000 more times in 'better
light' (?) just to be sure they are in fact ok before
you rip the tags off which you eventually do and go
to bed after some chips and a beer and wake up,
throw on the jeans and say FUCK IT. I can't believe
I fucking look like I have a load in my pants. Cha
Ching.

Can anyone relate? Anyone?

Office Memo I Don't Mind Getting:

"Please buy a couple six packs of Corona
for office fridge as well as limes. Thanks."

How To Scare Your Parents

One time I came home from school with a
spooky drawing in purple marker I did of a
man with a long beard wearing a robe and
at the top of the page it said, 'Jesus is good
obey Jesus'.

Ways I Have Responded Thus Far To Weekly
Chain Emails I Get With Photos Of Friend's Baby:

-Growing so fast-wow!
-What a smile!
-Look at those eyelashes!
-Looks more like mom every day!
-Is that a tooth I see?

Ways I Really Want To Respond To Weekly
Chain Email I Get With Photos Of Friend's Baby:

-The photos you are sending me are huge. They
also often contain a virus. Can you please put
down the breast pump and learn a little thing or
two about Photoshop? Thanks.

-Your baby is ugly. I'm sure it will be cute when it
grows up but right now it is red and puffy and it's
head is cone shaped.

- I really don't need to see a photo of your baby's
private parts nor your baby in the process of getting
what looks to be a number two diaper change.

-Why have you nicknamed your poor child
'SnooKooNooPeePeeFace'? (*names have been
changed). This is not a flattering nickname nor will
it provide any advancement in the areas of your
child's developing self-esteem.

-You dress your child like a mini Britney Spears.
Your child is zero. The Nike shoes she is wearing
that cost you $700 will be in tomorrow's garbage.
Do your self a favor and spend the money on beer.

Dead Fish Report




We have our first dead fish in the new office fish tank.
Poor little guy. He's blue and tiny and yesterday was
getting his eyeballs sucked out by another fish of the
same kind. You know...a territory thing. Suck out the
the competition's eyeballs to show them who's boss.
I should try that sometime.

Hmmm...

Mom: "I took a look at that web site thing you have...
More Than Donuts...what's the name of your sister's
site?"

Just The Start...

Let me share a little tale about how my mother just
pulled me out of a meeting to ask me to please
try and track down before I leave work (at 5:35 to
dash over to Penn Station to catch a 5:45 train
home) a one pound bag of some obscure Japanese
sea salt that she has been just dying to have and
if I could please lug it the three hours it will take
me to get home which I will be for 48 hours.

Salad Greed

I got greedy with my salad toppings in today's take out
order. Plus it ended up costing $9.00. I don't know what
happened. I just went nuts. Might I suggest you DON'T
get the following on your salad-well at least not all at once:

-beets
-chick peas
-feta cheese (?)
-walnuts
-peas
-hard boiled eggs
-cheddar cheese (?)
-bacon (?)

I think I secretly wanted an Egg McMuffin.

Someone measured me today and I am 5'8"-
HEE HEE-that makes me glad.

Be My Guest

Why does Starbucks say, ‘Next GUEST please step down?’.
Last time I checked they are not a Bed & Breakfast, are they?
I don’t see no mint on my pillow. Plus I find their attempts to be
intimate very shallow because as soon as the lady dumps
change in my palm before I have a chance to grab my coffee
she’s already yelling in a booming voice, ‘Next GUEST please
step down!!!’ right in my face.

(*for the record I only go to Starbucks once in a blue moon…)

The Ashton Kutcher Fan Club

Do you think he'd write back?

Choking Alone-Not Fun

Have you ever choked when you were alone?
Not cough choke but full on choke where your
throat becomes the size of a pin tip and you
are literally gasping for air? Well I did this
morning. It was just me and the cat-the cat
staring up at me as I was about to die. At
least I thought I was. I could hear footsteps
upstairs of my landlord Heidi so I thought
at least I could run upstairs if need be.
Finally I just ended up zoning out to a state
of total relaxation so as to slow my heartbeat
down and not panic. Spooky. But I survived!

6th Grade Flashback

Nothing more to flash you back to 6th grade
then when a box of Carefree Thong pantiliners
drop out of your bag in front of an older guy
on the train and you are convinced he saw
the bright yellow writing on the box that says,
'With Stay-Put Wings!'

Home Sick




I haven't been home in a while. I just came across
this photo of me by a beach near my house. It made
me a little home sick!

If I Had To Be A Mime...

If I had to be a mime, trust me when I tell you
I wouldn't be the silver body painted kind, wearing
Risky Business sunglasses and freezing my body
in a horribly uncomfortable position for seven hours
until someone from Texas finally dropped a dime in
my bucket. Really.

The 1800's Called-They Want Their Bike Back

For the pretentious couple that was letting their
small child ride around the streets of SoHo today
on an ridiculously old antique bicycle complete
with a giant front wheel, may I tell you that your
kid is pretty much out to get his ass kicked.

Say My Name

For the record my name is not Christine, Chris, Chrissy,
Christian, Kirstin, Kierstin or Krispen which on a daily
basis I am called one of. Fuck this shit. I'm changing my
name to Honey.

IKEA Masters

If you didn’t know, IKEA delivers furniture in about 7,000 parts.
Ironically, the manual that accompanies your purchase is oddly
simple. It contains drawings that resemble those one might find
in a Playmobil toy set. The drawings are big and exaggerated
with lots of dotted lines and arrows. I’ve also noticed that there
are a lot of screws and washers in an IKEA purchase yet there
never seem to be enough screws for washers or washers for
screws. This is never a good sign. When you call IKEA for
more screws or washers or rails or table legs or wheels or
whatever it might be that they forget to send you, you should
know that everyone you will need to talk to in regards to screws
or washers or rails or table legs or wheels will mostly likely
be in a meeting. People by the name of Sue, Beenie, Deeanne,
Jed or Rainy will not be able to assist you. Trust me. Lucikly,
I have discovered one amazing thing about myself over the past
few weeks during our various massive furniture deliveries for
the new office…and that is that I actually have a talent for
assembling furniture. Good to know should this college degree
in Creative Writing thing not work out…

The Bitch

Last night I left work tired from yelling at more men.
Actual conversation that went down yesterday:

Me: “Hello, is this Levi?”

Levi: “Yes. Who’s calling?”

Me: “Levi, this is K calling. You were supposed to deliver
my highly over priced office chairs last Friday…I’ve left you
about seven messages…what’s the deal??”

Levi: “Oh…um…actually…Levi isn’t here right now…’

Silence.

Me: “Dude. You are so full of crap. I totally know this is you
Levi and I’m sick of your bullshit. My boss is freaking out
about these chairs and you have until tomorrow by 9:00am
to deliver them. And I'm not kidding.”

Levi: “Um…ok…sorry about that…I thought you were someone
else.”

Why We Are Friends

Turns out that Dana couldn't sleep either last night.
She even counted sheep like I did but it didn't work.
She pictured her sheep jumping over fences while
playing the accordion which made me laugh
because mine were wearing silver boots.

WARNING: Dangerous Chick Territory



Note To Chicks: Never borrow a guys' favorite T-shirt to sleep in.
Even though you may think to yourself, 'He won't miss this rag of
a shirt complete with holes in it!' he will disagree in all seriousness
and say, 'Hey! That's my favorite shirt! Just be sure not to rip the
collar, ok?'

Dear Mother Nature:


Remember that time I begged you...wished over and over again
for snow to come? Ah...just so you know I've had enough thanks.
I want my Spring. wah.

That Not So Fresh Feeling



Have you ever had the not so good fortune of being at work and
forced to listen to the first three minutes of a Pantene shampoo
commercial be edited on loop for three hours? Well I have. The
worst part of hearing the words 'fresh, shiny, smooth hair' 7,000
times is that I didn't wash my hair this morning.

A Poll

You run into an old boyfriend of four years
on the train. You two are from a very small
town and have known one another since
you were seven. You hang on to the same
pole on this morning's subway and are
about two inches from one another's face.
He pretends he doesn't see you. You:

a.) Say to yourself 'stop being such a loser
dude. I know you see me.'

b.) Continue reading your paper because
as you recall neither of you were ever
morning people

c.) Find some amusement in watching the
great lengths in which he goes to turn his
body around to avoid directly facing you

I did all three.

SO NOT MY MOM'S CAR-EVER

You Get The Car, I Get The Lips

It's sad when people get divorced because things
come between them-work, money, other people,
etc. While today's tabloid briefing didn't mention
what it was exactly that came between Alias star
Jennifer Garner and her former husband Felicity's
Scott Foley, I think it's safe to say it was probably
HER GIANT COLLAGEN (thanks five guys that
emailed me to tell me it's not Botox) LIPS. Jesus.
If I were him I couldn't sleep at night next to those
things. Who wants to be swallowed alive in their
sleep? pas moi.

Top That Carson Daly

All the interns are on spring break. That reminds
me of a time once back in college when my spring
break plans fell through the cracks and I was forced
instead to visit my grandparents in that hot bed of
spring break destinations otherwise known as -
The Vero Beach Florida Retirement Community.

The highlight of my trip included five days of rain,
numerous buffet style meals and a long walk on the
beach wearing uncomfortable flip flops that resulted
in a horrible case of shin splints putting me off my
feet for two days. Nothing like having a couple of
senior citizens smearing Ben-Gay on one's legs
to feel like a total loser.