Saturday, August 14, 2004

HOW I ALMOST KILLED PEOPLE WITH MY
US WEEKLY MAGAZINE

So for one month (ok three days short of a month)
I gave up my trash reading of US Weekly magazine.

For the record, I only read this magazine to check
out mentally after a hard day or after I've read
the morning paper or at least some portion of a
novel I am currently reading. Ok. Now that I've
convinced you all how smart I really am I can
proceed.

So I'm on the train home reading my trashy US
Weekly magazine-there are hipsters on the train.
This is bad. When there are hipsters on the train
I tend not to want to whip out my trashy mag
because hipsters glare. They glare as if to
say,'Ever heard of a zine?' or 'Look at my ipod
-it is so much cooler than you'.

My stop came. I got off the train, boarded the
escalator and proceeded to juggle a number of
items-my bag, my umbrella, a jacket I'd left
at work, my laptop, etc. As I was just about
to reach the bottom of the escalator I heard
something drop and a semi-drunk crazy woman
behind me scream,'YO MISS! YO MISS! YOU
DROPPED YOUR US WEEKLY MAGAZINE!
YOU DROPPED YOUR US WEEKLY!' Mortified,
I turned around quickly but it was too late.
I stepped off and watched as Brad Pitt and
Jennifer's gigantic, baby wanting faces were
crunched into a mangled ball-trash compactor
style followed by an ear piercing screech
causing the ENTIRE...ENTIRE escalator of
hard working, tired people with baby
strollers and bikes and heavy briefcases
and Crate & Barrel bags come to a halt.

Oh god.

I reached down to try and yank out the mess but
it only made it worse seeing I was now in the
way of a number of pissed off people that thanks
to me had to walk down. In shame I ran out the
door and straight home. Damn you Brad and
Jennifer. Damn you Demi and Ashton. Damn you
Us Weekly and your addicting qualities.

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