WHY YOU STICK TOGETHER
This weekend E and I decided to test our relationship endurance and explore the outlet mall near my hometown on Long Island. Nothing to really get the blood flowing like a few hundred stores full of pokey Americans stuffing their faces with Taco Bell and weeding through a bunch of discounted crap.
E wanted some pants and I wanted some underwear. Normally, this is a type of errand we’d handle individually without one another tagging along. In the entire history of our dating I can’t recall a single time we said, “Hey let’s go shopping! Together!” We were surrounded everywhere by couples that were shopping for hours together. And smiling. I felt like a foreigner in a strange land.
We started out strong we really did. A quick scan of the store, a nod yes or no if we thought it was worth going in and then off we would go to the next. This was a great method and worked for the first 75 stores however by store 475 both of us were tired, hungry and decided that ‘splitting up’ to save time might be a great idea. This was not a good idea. Without E’s support I was on my way to a fast downward spiral of shopping delusion. Take for example where he left me before splitting off-rummaging through the racks of the teenage clothing store Delia’s of all godforsaken places.
When E parted he uttered a phrase I hope to never hear cross his lips again, “I’ll be in Coach if you need me.” What happened to us? We were turning into scary, suburban mall shoppers. The moment he left I had a major What am I doing here??? reality check and quickly tossed down my pile of XXXXL sized “I heart the O.C.” T-shirts to go find him.
Unfortunately, almost simultaneously, E had a similar- What am I doing here??? moment and quickly threw down the leather Coach wallet in his hands and dashed back to Delia’s to find me. Two mall shopping cargo ships passing in the night.
After finally reuniting, we embraced and agreed it was time to go. E volunteered to go get the car while I waited outside Old Navy tapping my foot to “You Can Call Me Al” blasting from the mall stereo system.
E spun around the corner in my mother’s car and I got in:
K: You’re like my knight in a shining white suburban jeep.
E: I sure am.
K: Now let’s get the fuck out of here.