Sunday, July 24, 2005


Tonight E and I met our friend G for some beers at a local bar in Brooklyn. G is husband to one of my best friends. Going out with him is like hanging out with my best friend just once removed and minus all the hummus and US Weekly mags.

C was working. She works in a bar among her many other talents and commitments. It is a hard job and every weekend despite knowing her schedule for years I call her on the same night each week leaving the same annoying message, 'Hey, want to join us for drinks at a loud bar?' Duh.

Working in a bar is a hard and an annoying job. I know because I've done it before. In my case I was required to wear tiny, inappropriate clothing and pretend I liked people. It wasn't a good fit for me on many levels. First of all, anyone that knows me knows I get grouchy and tired after 9PM. My nickname in college was 'It's bedtime'. (You think I'm kidding) My 3am shifts were killing me. There were times my boss would find me leaning against a wall like a horse - asleep while standing.

I hated being called 'Miss' and being poked in the ribs. I hated the credit card machine and chasing after drunk people to be sure they signed the slip. I hated not knowing drinks as well as I should have so when someone ordered a 'Texas Mexican, dry with two O's' I'd walk away annoyed thinking, 'Couldn't you just order a frickin' Stella?' I especially hated the chicks. The chicks that ordered sticky, smelly, liquid Jolly Rancher cosmos with a sugar rim. For each cosmo I served, I wanted to personally ruin each and every one of their lives by telling them Sex and The City was no longer in production.

I alse hated the leery men. The men that asked for my number. The men that asked if I had a boyfriend. The men that would call me over to their table 'just to see my pretty face'. Ugh. The men that had the nerve to ask me what I was doing 'after my shift'. After my shift asshole? After my shift I'll be on my hands and knees at 3am in a dress custom made for Anna Nicole Smith - mopping up the VOMIT your drunk, frat boy buddy left as a gift for me on the bar floor. But hey...when I'm done I'll give you a call.

Eventually we finished up our drinks and walked outside. I trailed behind E and G as G finshed up his amusing story about being nicknamed 'glass jaw' by his fellow Canadian hockey teammates due to all the injuries he suffered throughout the year.

And then it happened. As we stood outside among a pack of annoying frat guys that were neither coming or going, I got hit with the number one flashback from my working in a bar days. A grown man's hand on my right butt cheek giving it a squeeze.

K: EXCUSE ME! Did you just put your hand on my ass?
FB#1: (hahahaha-nudge friend)
K: ASSHOLE. I'm talking to you. Did you just touch me?

(E and G not having seen this walk up wondering what was happening)

FB#2: Leave him alone. He's drunk.
K: FU buddy. How about he leaves ME alone because he's drunk.
FB#1: (still laughing)
E: What's going on here?
K: This asshole grabbed my butt.
E: You did what?
FB#3: Dude, it's cool. My buddy is drunk. Sorry about that. He thought it was me.
K: So you're telling me your buddy thought my ass was yours.
K: Oh Ok. Now I get it. Give me a break.
FB#1: It was just a brush up.
K: Oh really? Excuse me but I think it was MY ASS. You think I'd know.
K: Let me ask you something (in the face of the guy) do you have a sister?
K: How about a mother? Do you have mom?
FB#1: Um...yeah...I mean...
K: Would you like a strange man to grab her ass?
FB#3: It's cool. It's cool. We are really sorry. Really.
K: Ok. Well then think about that and don't do this to women.

Then we parted ways. The frat boys and their posse.
And me, E and glass jaw.


At 8:08 AM, Blogger dani said...

Well said, well done!!

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Floridora said...

Go get 'em, Tiger!

At 4:19 PM, Blogger alexandra said...

atta girl! i love how when frat boy tried to talk his way out of it you called him on it - quality!

At 7:28 PM, Blogger Neil said...

They should give special medals of honors to bar girls, like they should to schoolteachers, for the services they render unto society.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger zinktuais said...

YES.YES.YES. You gave him a good lesson!

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Sub Girl said...

thanks for the comment on my blog! and that's awesome that you showed him!

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

BRAVA-FING-VO! I thought I was the only woman who was willing to do this! Go GIRL!!! Don't let em F*&^ with you!

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Kiki said...

Thanx for the comment on my blog!
I love your writing--so glad to have found this!

My sister works at a college bar and these shenanigans are going on constantly. Especially from the fattest, ugliest guy in the room.

What's going on?

At 7:36 PM, Blogger posthipchick said...

don't meet kdunk in a back alley!

At 10:51 PM, Blogger headur said...

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At 10:52 PM, Blogger headur said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:57 PM, Blogger headur said...

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At 6:12 AM, Blogger Seshu CBSR said...

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