Last night I had the good fortune of riding the one hour train home from a long day of work with a family of four - two of which were Satan's offspring ages three and six. Within moments of boarding the train and judging by the looks of my fellow passengers, I knew this crew had already taken over and we were in for a long, long ride.
First off, the children were on their backs on the floor of the subway car. Looming, detached, Dad just kept saying, 'Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.' and then after that didn't work he changed his tune to 'The floor is dirty. The floor is dirty. The floor is dirty. The floor is dirty. The floor is dirty.' Dad was a weird guy. I guessed he was a dentist or a man that perhaps worked solely with the elderly. He was tender-ish but couldn't relate to kids at all. They stared up at him like he was their giant hero and he just stared down at them like 'what is this thing you call kids?' It was like watching an awkward first date.
Mom on the other hand looked like she'd had enough. She was sweaty and silent and sat clutching the stroller. She had a far off look in her eyes and stared what appeared to be somewhat shamefully at her misbehaving family. Secretly I guessed she thought, 'It's your turn now you frickin' jerk. I don't care if you are a 'big time dentist' that 'works with the elderly' - it's your time to deal!"
Finally after letting the older boy run three times from one end of the subway car back again all the while screaming at the top of his lungs, "WOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Dad tapped into something he must have learned in his yuppy crash course on 'How To Deal With This Thing Called Kids' seminar from years ago.
D: Hey you guys, want to play 'I spy?'
Within seconds it was as if he'd turned into the Pied Piper. The kids sat down and were quiet for a moment before it all began again,
D: Ok...I'll start...I spy..
Kid #1: NO I'LL STARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Kid #2: Cookie?
D: No. No cookie. Ok...ok...ok...ok...ok. You start.
Kid #1: I SPYYYYYYYYYY... (glancing over at me with cold stare) something GREEN!!!!!
Kid #2: Cookie?
D: No. No cookie. Um...(Dad staring over at me) 'That lady to your right in the green shirt'
WOW DAD! GOOD GUESS FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN! How about you do your wife and fellow passengers a little favor and NOT be right for once and extend the game a bit!
Kid #1: DADDDDDDDDDDD! Your not supposed to guess it!
Kid #2: (pointing down at some garbage) Dinner?
D: No. Not dinner.
Well let me tell ya. I spied something too. And it was the entire frickin' family getting off at York Street and that alone people, makes me the winner.