HOW WAS YOUR TRIP
My Friday night:
-Took 3:55PM train from Penn Station on Long Island Railroad to parents house in order to make wedding dinner in our honor for all relatives that can’t make upcoming wedding in a few weeks. Told E to ‘take his time’ while I met him out there taking an earlier train. Simple right? No.
-no AC on the 3hr train
-Standing room only - wedged between 3 strollers (empty), Long Island teenage girl breaking up with boyfriend on cell phone, 2 sweaty cops and around me multiple children age zero that have their own seats
-Someone spills giant Starbucks Iced Latte on floor. This thing has undertow. Sticky coffee splashes around feet
-Next, normally 3 hour trip on the LIRR literally stops and starts SEVERAL times and at one point even rolls backwards. Announcement is made that due to ‘branches fallen on the track’ after a storm our normally 3 hr trip will now take 4 hours and 45 minutes
-Followed by flurry of calls from irritating cell phone abusers on train:
ANNIE? IT'S JOE. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHERE I AM.
ANNIE? HI. IT’S ME. THERE ARE BRANCHES ON THE TRACK.
ANNIE? YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE IT. IT’S JOE. TRAIN WAS MOVING BACKWARDS. OK BYE
ANNIE? IT’S JOE AGAIN. ORDER ME A SALAD.
HELLO? HI ANNIE. YES I FORGOT. MAKE SURE YOU GET CESAR SALAD DRESSING. NO BREAD.
ANNIE? IT APPEARS I AM CLOSE. I SEE A VINEYARD.
ANNIE? JOE HERE. YEAH. STILL NOT THERE YET. CALL YOU WHEN I GET THERE.
-Finally step off the LIRR and search several minutes in pitch black for what mother says is a ‘white Volvo’ – a family friends car that they have left for me with keys under the mat. Turns out after several minutes of searching come to find that it’s actually a blue Volvo not white I am to be looking for in parking lot. Want to scream and die.
-Go to call parents but cell phone is dead
-Speed drive home to parents house to quickly ‘freshen up’ and call parents before attending wedding dinner in my honor that I am now 2 hrs and 10 minutes late for. As driving try to use wipers to get rid of moisture on windshield except wipers are so old and bad that it appears they are squirting liquid butter all over the windshield and I can barely see out front window
-Cart all luggage including gifts for people up the front steps of parents house only to discover front door is locked, Now cart everything around the side of house where I successfully break into back yard fence and trip over garden hose in pitch black nearly killing myself
-Approach back door to house, which appears to be open and hear parents dog barking. But then hear more barking. Louder, fully, deep throated barking only to have parents dog, and smaller mystery dog run out followed by GIANT DEEP THROATED BARKING NEWFOUNDLAND DOG WEIGHING ONE THOUSAND POUNDS -three dogs
-Convinced about to die ‘(I hate dogs) I say ‘good doggie…good dog’ – sit ubu sit – good dog’ and grab nearest jar full of what appears to be dog food and dump it on floor to distract the wild pack of animals, throw bags inside and slam door behind me
-Sweating in thousand-degree heat. Pretty shirt wearing now sweat stained. Run back to car now having to drive 15/20 minutes in butter soaked windshield to restaurant where entire family has been waiting for me for 2hrs and 10 minutes
-On the way swerve dead, decapitated deer that has been just hit (by someone else) in road
-Peel into parking lot of restaurant only to discover remaining parking space will requiring wading through giant muddy puddle. Forced to do this – luckily wearing flip-flops.
At this point, tired, sweat stains under arms, hair frazzled, shaking from barking dog incident, hungry, thirsty and in muddy flip flops arrive into a room full of thirty of my closest relatives only for the first question to be, “How was your trip?”