Friday, February 24, 2006

LETTER OF THE WEEK: MY BREAKUP WITH MIDTOWN

Dear Midtown,

I hate to do this in a letter but I must. After Friday you will no longer be part of my life.

As you may or may not know, I have accepted another job elsewhere and will no longer be wasting 45 minutes of my life each day commuting to and from Brooklyn to deal with the repugnant bowels of your hellhole.

I’m sick and tired of all the lies I tell my family and friends that our relationship is ‘not that bad’ and that I can ‘read the whole paper’ by the time I reach you. Frankly, it’s not enough. Sorry to be so blunt but I will not miss a single thing about you. Your smell. Your lack of style. The way you present yourself like a hip, in the know, cultural mecca. Blech. I’m practically vomiting in my own mouth as I type this. You may try and argue that you are better than my former work relationship – Times Square (pre Toys-R-Us) but at the rate it’s been going over the past year and nine months the differences seem one in the same.

I will not miss…

1.) MACY’S: in general and the people that visit it. Senior citizens, packs of orange colored tanned cheerleaders, school field trips, etc.

2.) STREET PERFORMERS: Mimes spray painted silver, paint your name on rice, chalk portraits, your name in calligraphy, etc.

3.) MSG: each and every crowd it brings – FLOCKS of Islander fans and various face painters, dog show freaks, Black Eyed Peas fans, Republicans, etc.

4.) CULINARY HELL: Any of the following culinary wasteland establishments: Ranch 1, Dunkin’ Donuts, Subway, McDonalds, Mustang Harry’s, Mustang Sally’s, (as if the male one wasn’t enough) Chipolte, Guy & Gallard, etc.

5.) VAGUE WORK ADDRESS: Giving my work address out to messengers, etc.– one of those vague Manhattan addresses like “Gracie Square” or “Union Square West” My old work one being 11 Penn Plaza – which to everyone else sounded like - 1110 Plaza, 11 TEN Plaza, 11 Pen Playa, THE BUILDING WITH 3 FLAGS HANGING OFF IT, FORGET IT I’LL JUST COME DOWNSTAIRS AND MEET YOU…(phone slam)

Two words: Hello Chelsea.

4 Comments:

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Infrangible said...

I'm disappointed in you, Kdunk. As a fellow, albeit regrettably, native Long Islander, you should know that Islander fans flock to Nassau (Nassaw) Coliseum. Butthole Ranger fans flock to MSG.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger KDunk said...

all face painters look the same my friend

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Robert said...

hello chelsea, indeed. i'm moving up your way in 5 weeks!

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger DemonioAngelico said...

All break ups are tough but necessary. Congrats on trading up.

 

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