Sunday, March 26, 2006

CEREMONY

Yesterday was a busy day full of ceremony and celebration. In the morning my best friend J and her husband M had their kid Christened in a church in Brooklyn Heights. You can tell J and I are best friends by the mere fact she was able to get me into a church pew wearing a pair of control top panty hose before 11am on a Saturday morning.

I can't recall ever going to a Christening and if I have it's been a long time. It was nice catching up with her parents who I possibly hadn't seen since J's wedding and before that our college graduation. Here we were in church, J's father reminding me of the time they visited J and I at college our senior year. The time her dad reached for a glass out of our dorm cupboard and 10,000 empty beer cans and vodka bottles came pouring out. Good times. As J's father told the story, I watched J's face as he let her son crawl around in his Christening whites on the dirty church floor pre-ceremony. I could tell J was thinking something like, "Um Dad. Don't do that." And then the ceremony soon began.

The ceremony went well considering they had to appeal to both sides of grandparents which were both Catholic and Episcopalian. The Catholic part was along the lines of 'Help this child not to be a sinner nor believe in Satan' mixed with the Episcopalian side of 'Help this child be willing to love all of God's people that may be different than him'. An interesting mix to say the least.

When I got home E and I prepared to go to the wedding of our pals/internet legends Jason and Meg. They asked E to shoot the wedding and I backed him up as his assistant. This is our third wedding doing this and it's an interesting experience for us. It's always stressful trying to capture the most important day of someone's life much less people you know and like. But hopefully it turned out well and they will be pleased. I was pleased.

I love weddings and even more a wedding where I get to be a fly on the wall to observe what is going on around me. The official ceremony parts of weddings are often always moving but it's when people hit the dance floor that I really feel the celebration and sentiment. I love how people move their bodies - the snapper, the clapper, the crazy moves guy and the frisky girl. I love the parents dancing to 'Hey Ya!' and the grandparents slow dancing to 'Time After Time'.

In the end it was a full day of celebrating. Perhaps the most exciting thing to celebrate - a full 14 hours of control top panty hose wearing and not a single complaint.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

CHASING AWAY THE WINTER GRAYS



Today E had the great idea of heading to the Phagwah parade in Richmond Hill, Queens. Phagwah, or Holi, is the Indo-Caribbean Hindu celebration of the new year. Every spring, Phagwah celebrators literally paint the streets as kids and families "color" one another with dye (abrac) and powder (baby powder) and chase away the winter grays.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

THREE CHEERS FOR PEE

Today my OB had me come in for a urine test. I've been suffering the lovely symtoms of a UTI for close to 12 days now. 12. For any chick out there that has ever had the pleasure of experiencing one of these you know that suffering through a single day with a UTI is bad enough much less close to two weeks. There are only so many over the counter drugs to take much less gallons of cranberry juice to drink. For any guy out there that doesn't know what a UTI feels like - try tying 4 cinderblocks to your kidneys and then walk around with a smile on your face as you to attend work, meetings, social engagements with friends and then cry yourself to sleep like a baby curled up in a ball while clutching a pillow.

Why did I wait that long to go to a doctor? Well. I am between health insurance. Before my mother in law or mother reads this and sends a check - I can honestly say I'm fine. On the upswing - I think. Two or so more weeks and I will be back on health insurance again and so thankful for that. Oh yes.

So my doc says come in. I won't charge for you a visit but I want you to take a urine test. She asks that I come at 8:30am. Yikes. To be in midtown by 8:30am means leaving Brooklyn at the crack of dawn. E is nervous (rightly so) that I won't be able to make this appointment and as I am setting my alarm clock comes into the bedroom, sits on the end of the bed and offers various ways to expedite my morning routine:

E: Seriously, have you thought of ways to save time in the morning?
K: Ah...yeah.
E: Like sometimes you don't have to wash your hair. Just run a comb through it.
K: Honey. I'm not Vinnie Barbarino but thank you.

The conversation was very adorable and cute. And now that I've put it on the world wide web he may never speak to me again.

Fast forward. I make it to the doctor's office. With fully washed AND combed hair. The doctor shows me to the bathroom where my little cup is waiting. I shut the door. Finally. The hours and hours and day and days of frequent urination to no end has some use.

And then I wait. And wait. And wait. Oh my god. I can't pee.

I start to sweat and feel guilty. Like the doctor thinks I am trying to screw up my urine sample. Replacing my urine with someone else's. And then I remember I am not taking a drug test. So I try to calm down but I can't. No pee. Wait and wait. Finally close to five minutes go past and I have no choice but to emerge from the bathroom.

Me: Doc? Sorry to bother you. I'm kind of freezing up in there.
Doc: (laughs) No worries. Let me get you some water.

Doc returned with a giant mug of water with 4 ice cubes. I thought the ice cubes were an interesting choice. As I drank my water I wondered the significance of the ice cubes. Do ice cubes make people pee faster? Ok. Stop thinking of that. Pee PEE.

I sat on the chair outside the doctor's office for another 10 minutes reading my Highlights magazine. Not a single person was around. We exchanged awkward smiles at one another from time to time through the tiny crack of her open office door. She was flipping through some files. Watered her plants.

I soon headed back into the bathroom. I felt the urge to pee but only for a moment. Two tiny drops later and that was it. Nothing. Nothing at all. Ten more minutes of waiting I emerged from the bathroom again.

Me: Doc? No go.
Doc: Huh. Would coffee help?
Me: I don't...think so. Maybe. I think I just need more water.

Doc brought me more water. And then said 'maybe this will help' and turned on several faucets in various examination rooms that surrounded me. This made me laugh. But also made me super hyper aware that IT WAS TIME TO PEE NOW. What more could this poor woman do for me here? The doctor not only hand delivered me water with ice cubes, offered to make me a fresh pot of coffee, watered her plants but also turned her office into a zen rock garden complete with water falls so I could just PEE and she could go deliver some god damn babies.

Finally I excused myself to go grab a coffee from a deli downstairs. I returned shortly and this time hid in the examination room reading more magazines hoping the receptionist wouldn't ask me who I was or what I was doing there. Finally 10 magazines, 4 glasses of water and 1 large coffee later I got up and went around to the back. No one was around so I grabbed my cup off the shelf with my name on it. It took a moment but I was able to pee a bit - not much but it seemed like enough. When I opened the door with my urine sample in hand the nurse and doctor were standing still like deers in headlights. They glanced at my cup full of pee. They broke out into an actual cheer. An actual cheer.

SURFACE REPORT

Last night I was trying to get a cab in the worst place known to man to get a cab. 17th Street and 5th Avenue at 7pm. Despite living here most my life I still waited in the freezing cold as if one might appear.

Then...who runs out in front of me but a model looking woman. Her scarf wrapped loosely around her neck and long hair. A tiny thin jacket, tight jeans carrying close to 5 Victoria Secret bags. She was standing next to a large Victoria Secret employee who looked like a security guard also carrying 5 or so Victoria Secret bags. After some staring I realized that it was in fact Victoria Secret's super model - Gisele.

Gisele: (getting increasingly annoyed) There are no cabs here... (duh)
VS Security Guard: I know. You gotta wait and something will come.
Gisele: I just... I need to get home.
VS Security Guard: I hear you. Wait is that one?
Gisele: No it's not. Where did my friend go? I lost my friend.

I was going to take a photo of the two of them from behind. But then I didn't. I couldn't get over the fact she was still wearing Ugg boots.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

FUNNY

David Sedaris is an obvious humor god. I told E that if I were ever on my death bed to please just read chapters from "Me Talk Pretty One Day" until I passed. I've REALLY enjoyed Jonathan Ames most recent book which I found brilliant. Anthony Bourdain. David Rakoff. James Thurber. EB White. All have inspired me.

I love the female humor writers or writers that make me laugh - Sarah Vowell. Sarah Hepola. Fran Lebowitz. Dorothy Parker. Tama Janowitz. Anka Radakovich. Katherine Dunn. Anne Lamott. Annie Dilliard. Nora Ephron. I've been lucky to meet Sarah Vowell in person after attending a humor writing seminar where she spoke about being called 'The female David Sedaris'. It made me think about how so many female writers have pink book covers and are compared to male humor writers instead of just being funny themselves. I once wrote Sarah Hepola a letter (I told you I was a geek) to which she responded with funny, insightful thoughts on humor writing which I will share with you if I can dig it up. If you can suggest more humor writers for me to read please let me know.

I recently was doing some self-exploration on my history with humor and wrote the following email to my parents:

Dear Mom & Dad,

Was I a funny kid? Did I make you laugh - if so how? I know I used to like to write ever since I was little - right? What did my teachers say?

xo K


Response From Dad:

Dear K,

You were more the type of kid who soaked it all up rather than the class clown, although you did show an early fondness for practical jokes and the occasional limerick. I think you're so funny now because you were absorbing it for later, putting your take on it.

You always wrote -- and well. That talent was recognized by teachers early. You may not remember it, but you could also yodel very well, too. However, you gave that up when you started flute lessons.

Love, Dad

Thursday, March 02, 2006

NEW GIRL

When you are the new person at the office you do the following:

-Randomly blurt out in the elevator – despite not being an early morning talker yourself - “Hi! I’m new here!” and extend your hand to a nice smiling man that probably didn’t even know he was smiling and was really just half asleep

-say when introduced to the 2nd person in line to the CEO – ‘oh do you work here?’ not knowing that um…yeah they work here having been introduced to them only as, ‘This is Joe Smith…’ and nothing else

-make many trips to the water cooler hoping someone will talk to you about anything at all – sports even

-spend lots of time with the supply order catalogue and then carefully flip the pages doing some price comparison shopping to be sure you order a three hole punch that isn’t the $31.99 one and rather the $9.99 one so people don’t think you are trying to be a big supply ordering snob

-despite being hired to do what you do, ask three people to help you figure out why your tape deck has no audio and then realize um…you need to rewind the tape and say sorry you aren’t used to this machine (which is true)

-go to make yourself a cup of tea in the kitchenette but when arrive become overwhelmed by super deluxe Flavia machine and unbelievable amount of choices of beverages so just sort of pretend to grab a napkin and run off

-in the late afternoon REALLY hoping to make some tea swing back through the kitchenette – empty now – get a cup for hot liquids, choose a tea bag and walk to machine. Machine has close to 27 buttons on it none of them simply HOT WATER which is what you hoped for all along.
Several people gather behind you so you grab your cup of half decaf/green tea/half chocolate and blow on it likes it's hot pretending you like it that way only to dump the concoction moments later in the ladies room

-when riding elevator after grabbing lunch (alone) recognize co-worker in elevator. Make some friendly small talk. But you get off one floor before co-worker and think to yourself – ‘Huh. Guess they aren't going to that floor.’ Realize as you exit moments later and run into very same co-worker that elevator in fact gets off on your floor (and his) and you don’t have to hoof it up that giant flight of steps to reach the floor you both work on as you have been doing each and every time this entire week


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