THREE CHEERS FOR PEE
Today my OB had me come in for a urine test. I've been suffering the lovely symtoms of a UTI for close to 12 days now. 12. For any chick out there that has ever had the pleasure of experiencing one of these you know that suffering through a single day with a UTI is bad enough much less close to two weeks. There are only so many over the counter drugs to take much less gallons of cranberry juice to drink. For any guy out there that doesn't know what a UTI feels like - try tying 4 cinderblocks to your kidneys and then walk around with a smile on your face as you to attend work, meetings, social engagements with friends and then cry yourself to sleep like a baby curled up in a ball while clutching a pillow.
Why did I wait that long to go to a doctor? Well. I am between health insurance. Before my mother in law or mother reads this and sends a check - I can honestly say I'm fine. On the upswing - I think. Two or so more weeks and I will be back on health insurance again and so thankful for that. Oh yes.
So my doc says come in. I won't charge for you a visit but I want you to take a urine test. She asks that I come at 8:30am. Yikes. To be in midtown by 8:30am means leaving Brooklyn at the crack of dawn. E is nervous (rightly so) that I won't be able to make this appointment and as I am setting my alarm clock comes into the bedroom, sits on the end of the bed and offers various ways to expedite my morning routine:
E: Seriously, have you thought of ways to save time in the morning?
E: Like sometimes you don't have to wash your hair. Just run a comb through it.
K: Honey. I'm not Vinnie Barbarino but thank you.
The conversation was very adorable and cute. And now that I've put it on the world wide web he may never speak to me again.
Fast forward. I make it to the doctor's office. With fully washed AND combed hair. The doctor shows me to the bathroom where my little cup is waiting. I shut the door. Finally. The hours and hours and day and days of frequent urination to no end has some use.
And then I wait. And wait. And wait. Oh my god. I can't pee.
I start to sweat and feel guilty. Like the doctor thinks I am trying to screw up my urine sample. Replacing my urine with someone else's. And then I remember I am not taking a drug test. So I try to calm down but I can't. No pee. Wait and wait. Finally close to five minutes go past and I have no choice but to emerge from the bathroom.
Me: Doc? Sorry to bother you. I'm kind of freezing up in there.
Doc: (laughs) No worries. Let me get you some water.
Doc returned with a giant mug of water with 4 ice cubes. I thought the ice cubes were an interesting choice. As I drank my water I wondered the significance of the ice cubes. Do ice cubes make people pee faster? Ok. Stop thinking of that. Pee PEE.
I sat on the chair outside the doctor's office for another 10 minutes reading my Highlights magazine. Not a single person was around. We exchanged awkward smiles at one another from time to time through the tiny crack of her open office door. She was flipping through some files. Watered her plants.
I soon headed back into the bathroom. I felt the urge to pee but only for a moment. Two tiny drops later and that was it. Nothing. Nothing at all. Ten more minutes of waiting I emerged from the bathroom again.
Me: Doc? No go.
Doc: Huh. Would coffee help?
Me: I don't...think so. Maybe. I think I just need more water.
Doc brought me more water. And then said 'maybe this will help' and turned on several faucets in various examination rooms that surrounded me. This made me laugh. But also made me super hyper aware that IT WAS TIME TO PEE NOW. What more could this poor woman do for me here? The doctor not only hand delivered me water with ice cubes, offered to make me a fresh pot of coffee, watered her plants but also turned her office into a zen rock garden complete with water falls so I could just PEE and she could go deliver some god damn babies.
Finally I excused myself to go grab a coffee from a deli downstairs. I returned shortly and this time hid in the examination room reading more magazines hoping the receptionist wouldn't ask me who I was or what I was doing there. Finally 10 magazines, 4 glasses of water and 1 large coffee later I got up and went around to the back. No one was around so I grabbed my cup off the shelf with my name on it. It took a moment but I was able to pee a bit - not much but it seemed like enough. When I opened the door with my urine sample in hand the nurse and doctor were standing still like deers in headlights. They glanced at my cup full of pee. They broke out into an actual cheer. An actual cheer.