Wednesday, September 27, 2006

STUPID ANNOYING PEOPLE ON SUBWAY THAT WATCH TOO MUCH FOX NEWS

Today after work I took a Yoga class. Actually it's taught at my work which sounds odd but it isn't. It's quite nice and also convenient. Alas...when it was over I took my nice Zen self to the subway where I proceeded to immediately lose any and all relaxation as I then had to wait close to 20 minutes for a stupid train to come in the 10,000 degree subway station.

Then I boarded the train. I headed to the only seat available next to a hipster girl with hair in her eyes with giant boobs who was acting so cool reading her cool book blah blah. But her bag was in the empty seat and as I hovered over her she SIGHED and slowly moved her bag from the empty seat. Um...

When I sat down I closed my eyes trying to regain anything at all learned and leftover from my Yoga class. But then a large man crushed my foot. I opened my eyes to a big Italian American guy around my age, gold chain around his neck, dark hair combed back neatly, a wild black and white shirt on with glitter and patterns and 'Euro' jeans with perfectly ripped holes in exactly all the right places. White shoes.

He said: (quite loudly) WOAHHHHHHH! SORRY!!!!!!

Which startled me and even the cool girl next to me.

Me: Um...it's fine. Really.

And then he tettered his way over to lean his back on the subway car doors. He was drunk.

How did I know he was drunk? He was hiccuping. Like a drunk person in a cartoon. And he was saying the occasional loud thing to no one in particular in a slurred speech like, "BACK OF THE SUBWAY CAR. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE STANDING" or "ALL THESE SIGNS AND POSTERS" and then pointing to an ad at the top of the subway car but not able to keep his arm up too long in the air before it fell down to his sides with a slap.

It's uncomfortable to watch a 'put together' person drunk. Something extra sad about it. Did his girlfriend dump him? Did he get fired from his job? Were the shiny silk pants at Club Monaco actually NOT on sale as he had hoped? He tettered some more when the doors opened. People started to move away.

Then a somewhat clueless pregnant woman holding what appeared to be take out Mexican food sat down in an empty seat right underneath where the drunk guy clung on for dear life to the subway pole above her. His eyes rolled into the back of his head. He almost fell when the subway jerked out of the tunnel. I was afraid he was going to fall on her.

And then...some dry heaves and then...he puked. A subway chorus of "UGH!!!!!". People scattered like roaches. Luckily pregnant lady got up and out of there in time. I found myself saying something random and smartass out loud, "Saw that coming!" to no one in particular.

Worse - a crazy woman to my left (who had given her salad to a homeless man earlier on the train only after saying, "I hate salad. The dressing is horrible. Here take it.") stared at the puke and said in all seriousness to the woman next to her,

"I wonder if he has the E. Coli Virus from eating spinach? It's going around."

Friday, September 22, 2006

GENIUS

This photo is genius and you must see it. Be sure to stare at it a moment to take it all in.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

ONE WEB DAY

OneWebDay is Earth Day for the Internet--a day to make sure that we
don't take the Internet for granted. I wrote something for it here.

LETTER OF THE WEEK: A BELATED HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY HUSBAND

Dearest Husband,

Happy One Year Anniversary to you...us. Like I say dramatically when our plane lands at any airport after a long flight, “We made it.”

There is a lot less drama now. More strength. Less beads of sweat. More hand holding. Less white knuckling through life although I’m not so sure any couple is totally free from it. More of me changing the roll of toilet paper when it’s empty and more of you folding the laundry. Hey - things are looking up.

On our recent trip to Oregon, we cracked open some watery beer and cheap champagne, sat out on our tiny motel porch and in the blinding sun overlooking a cliff of trees that lead down to the water - we re-read our vows. Things were different this time.

On our actual wedding day as you confessed – you were fairly choked up and you could barely read your vows. Surprisingly on our wedding day I remained calm, cool and collected cracking jokes like Jerry Seinfeld and reading my vows while reminding the audience of the two drink minimum.

Tables were turned this time. When you read vows you were the calm, cool and collected one. Your vows were so real and sweet and thoughtful and most of all - timeless. When I began to read mine - I was a blubbering mess. Partially because I realized my vows were not sweet and timeless but rather strange and already outdated. Nor were they promises just lists of reasons why I loved you. All I could think about was, “YOU LET ME READ THESE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WE KNOW?” and “WHAT IS OUR FUTURE KID GOING TO THINK?” Dad’s timeless vows. Mom’s lame and outdated vows.

I love you for always remembering to change the ribbon in my typewriter…
I love you for exposing me to so many great musical eight tracks…
I love you for offering to help iron my denim pant suits…


Ugh. Regardless I do love you for so many reasons even if some are outdated.

I got one line right and may that never change.

All I want to be is your wife today.

And

I love you.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

SHOP GIRL

What is up with those stores that appear like they might possibly be in the price range in which you can afford - like hipster but nice - but then when you actually go in the store and pick up a tag everything from a pair of earrings to a jacket to a purse in no less than $498? Who shops there? I'm all for the occasional splurge but come on.

Last night I went to a fancy store in Brooklyn where my husband was kind and generous enough to get my a gift certificate for my birthday. Lucky for me I ended up with something beautiful and that I would never have treated myself to which is the whole point but still...this is how it went down.

Walk in shop. Browse through rack by front door. Everything 'cheap' is $998. Look at woman next to me who looks about my age, has my style with armful of clothes adding up to the amoung of $500,000. Wonder how on earth is this girl affording to shop here without eating for an entire month. Look at her waistline. Realize that is exactly what she does in order to shop here. Sigh.

Continue shopping. Look for something in price range of my certificate. Getting nervous seeing as shop is small and I am now almost half way through it. Shop gets a little more busy which takes pressure off me moving at a snails pace and under scrutiny of girl running shop.

Finally look in 50% off jewelry case. All of the necklaces are made of summer beads or plastic. There are all $348 - that is with the 50% off. Continue on and am relieved to actually see a Sales Rack. Thumb through sales rack but everything screams SUMMER and is either made of straw or grass or suntan lotion or hot dogs. Cannot wear through winter and most likely will not last until next summer. Continue on to home accessories.

Look at journals - $500. Tote bags - have too many. Candle in the shape of a bird - pick up to consider buying and girl says, "That is not for sale."

Hats - cannot justify leaving store with only a hat that could have bought at GAP for $23. Scarves - ok - there are two that I like. One beautiful, purple wrap type thing that is very me and nice but costs entire gift certificate and doesn't seem worth the price. Second scarf - black lace - and size of a tissue - for $45 (what a score!!!!) that fell on the ground and is hidden behind a wooden rack. Decide on the cheaper black scarf so can get rest of the cash back and spend the rest of my certificate money elsewhere.

Wait on line. Shop girl does not know how to ring in a gift certificate. Manager is called. 20 minutes go past which in New York time is an eternity. I hear Manager say to girl to give me store credit. I laugh and smile and say, "Actually - cash back would be great." And she says, "We only do store credit." My face drops.

A long pause and I say one second. I reach for the purple scarf using entire amount of my certificate. Despite hating these people and never wanting to come here again, I leave with my pretty purple scarf that I love and try to remember that frankly... that is what only matters.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

THROW DOWN

Do you ever wish celeb chef Bobby Flay would just...go away? Leave poor normal Annie's Mac N' Cheese eatin' people like us alone?

And what about his new show 'Throwdown With Bobby'? It is so totally sad and sometimes depressing. Have you seen it? I can barely watch it. Basically Bobby travels across America to find people in small towns that are famous for that ONE thing - their ribs or their pie or their pizza, etc. Bobby then surprises these innocent people at their home or family bbq or kid's birthday party or giant family reunion and challenges them to a showdown in making their signature dish. Yes. That dish. The only dish they are known for. In front of all of their family and friends.

Great. Thanks. That sounds fun.

First of all:

What family member signed their husband, sister, mother or whatever up for this horrible and severly stressful situation?

What if I were that poor husband guy who slaved away at the office all week and my only real 'down time' besides cleaning out the garage was making my 'signature' ribs for close family and friends. And then what if my wife called the Food Network and signed me up for this show where in the middle of my family bbq where I was happily cooking up a storm of ribs for the people I know and love - Bobby Flay arrives in a catering truck with 75 state of the art gas grills and fifty midgets to set everything up and veggies flown in from New York's Chelsea Market and an actual live animal from Texas to slaughter on camera for the fresh ribs to make...STEAL...take away my thunder by making MY RIBS but instead with HIS TOUCH - ribs smoked in hickory chips, dipped in an ancho chili rub with a side of Maple-Horseradish dipping sauce and a side of Jicama Slaw...UGH. NO.

And yet in the end does any of it matter?
No. Why?

Because Bobby is better than you. Yes you.

Monday, September 04, 2006

WIFE SWAP

There is one show I'm not 'allowed' to watch in the house and it's called 'Wife Swap'. It drives E mad. If you don't know what the show is about the idea is that two families swap wives for a week and they film how things go down. And boy do they go down. The swaps are often between two polar opposites - a religious, conservative, stay at home wife swaps with a tattooed, green haired punk wife. Or a biker, meat eatin' wife swaps places with a hippie, raw food enthusiast wife. Not matter what they pair up - chaos ensues.

Despite not being 'allowed' to watch it I sneak it in like cigarettes when E is in the bathroom or takes calls on his cell phone. I can't help but get hooked each time I see a bit of it even if I can never quite believe how dumb the husbands are each episode. They are always 'surprised' and 'amazed' when the tables are turned and they are required to follow by the rules of their new wife. Shut up and eat your raw carrots buddy.

Tonight - E made two pizzas. He rolled out the dough, he prepared the various ingredients, he cooked the pizzas on the grill so they had the perfect smoked flavors, etc. The entire production took an hour or so and the pizzas came out looking like ultimate perfection.

As you know from my former post, it had been a hard day. The honest truth was the day didn't quite get any better from when I lost all my photographs from the month of August (read below) but the thought of a nice dinner of fresh pizza and wine sounded like it might make things better.

I set the table and we got ready to eat our yummy meal:



But then...like a total spaz...I set my water glass down too hard on the table and it knocked against my wine glass which then caused glass to shatter all over the two pizzas. Cut to E looking with a flashlight in desperate atempts to save our meal:



Bottom line is - today sucked. Big time. And thanks to a day of emotional ups and downs topped off with two shattered glass pizzas - I might now qualify for one of those stupid crazy women on Wife Swap. Sure. Go ahead. Swap me out for a week and replace me with a poised wife with several external hard drives that never loses a thing. Only please - just promise you'll take me back.

LOST

Today in trying to be good and organized I downloaded all my photographs for the month of August off my new camera's memory card and put them in proper folders by date on my desktop. I then reformated my memory card. I then began to burn a CD of these photographs but it said 'not enough memory' on the CD and wouldn't allow me to burn. So... I then took some of the photos off the CD I was burning and put them back on to my desktop. In the process my computer asked me if I wanted to 'replace' all my files I was moving from the CD I was burning with the ones on my desktop - (aka make an alias of) and for whatever frickin' reason...I said yes. What I am trying to say in the most boring way possible is that basically I deleted all of the original files of my photographs for the entire month of August in the process. Gone. For good.

E worked for over an hour to retrieve them but he couldn't. This is a much bigger deal than I can possibly explain to you seeing how many of the photographs I took in August had the potential to earn me a little extra cash this month (a couple hundred bucks per photo) and now no longer exist. I have been crying on and off all day at what a dumb mistake it was. I haven't felt this bad since I left one of my digital cameras in the back of a taxi cab never to be seen again.


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