Saturday, February 03, 2007

SHE WANTS TO KNOW

Recently I stumbled across a health fair. Due to my recent back pain I thought to myself, "Hey wow. Perfect timing." And what do you know? There was a guy there with a card table and a giant skeleton on a wire ready to solve all my problems. For free.

So I waited patiently. The line wasn't too long and I passed the time scanning the table with its plethora of health pamphlets that read like the opening lines to infomercials - "TIRED OF SEVERE BACK PAIN?", "PINCHED NERVE GOT YOU DOWN?", etc. I even spotted a pamphlet on Sciatica which I was tempted to pocket for Helen my senior citizen Brooklyn neighbor who I pass on a regular basis to which our exhange is always the following:

K: Hi Helen! How are you?
H: Not good. I got sciatica. In both butts.

The doc on call was a Chiropractor. Nice guy with a 'could be a friend of Tony Sopranos back in the day' look about him. His hair was neatly combed back and his gold chain gleamed in the the light.

He asked me some questions. Wheeled the skeleton over. Asked that I stand up so he could feel my spine. Just then his phone rang. It was on the table and went off to the unfortunate tune of La Cucaracha.

He yelled agressively at his assistant who was handing out pamphlets...

Tony Chiropractor: LISA!
Tony: LISA! GET THE PHONE!
Tony: (to me) Sorry about that...
Lisa: (picks up Tony' cell phone) Uh-huh-oh I don't know. Let me ask him.
Tony: (to me) So as I was saying...your back needs..
Lisa: Tony. Sorry to interrupt. Maria is on the phone.
Tony: Lisa...I'm with a client
Lisa: I know Tony but...
Tony: Lisa...what does she want?
Lisa: She wants to know what kind of (points to her head) you need...
Tony: What?
Lisa: She wants to know...what kind of (points to top of her head again) you need...
Tony: What the fu...what?
Lisa: MARIA WANTS TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF GEL YOU NEED!
Tony: Oh...Jesus Christ.
Tony: Tell her the same stuff I always get!!!
Tony: (to me) Sorry about that...as I was saying...

All I know is that I walked away more tense that when I arrived.
Glad it was free.


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