It's MY Blog

It's MY Blog. I can do whatever I want to it.
I can rip it apart. Kill it. Stab it in the head.
I can kiss it and kick it. Write all over it. Erase it.
Take it on vacation and tell it I need space. I can
buy it gifts. Tell it I LOVE it and really mean it
and then fuck it 'cause I'm not in the mood.
Funny how it still loves me.

Don't Confuse The Smiths

A few years ago when I used to write about porn
for various magazines, I was on assignment to write
a piece about grown men that wear diapers as a fetish.

Part of my field research involved cold calling these
men and interviewing them. In some gross way it was
easier than I thought. Overall the interviews were going
well until I got to the last guy on my list:

Phone Rings (I was calling Mobile Alabama)

"Hullo" (man with thick southern accent)

"Hi! My name is blank and I am calling on behalf
of blank magazine. "

"Yes."

"Is this Mr. Smith?"

"Yes."

"Well, I saw your photo on the Big Babies: web site and
I wanted to interview you for an article I am doing on men
that wear diapers as a fetish."

Dead silence.

"Hello, Mr. Smith?"

Dead silence.

I looked down at my paper to see his first name and said,
"Paul? Are you there?"

Dead silence.

"For your information…this is not Paul Smith… this is his
older brother Mark Smith. May I ask what…the fuck…are
you talking about?"

"Ah..." Click.

Um. So basically I outed some poor guy that digs wearing
diapers to his older brother Mark in Mobile, Alabama. Not
one of my finer moments in journalism.

'Blueberry Cobbler' should not be a flavor of coffee
even for flavored coffee. This is a flavor being offered
in the deli near my office and I want to puke when I
go in there.

Say My Name

Um. I just found out I've been calling the intern
the wrong name for like...6 weeks now. Oops.

I feel bad. I hate it when people screw up my
name. Then again I usually tell them BEFORE
SIX WEEKS HAVE PASSED that they don't
have it right.

One time I had a babysitter who was older
and around my grandmother's age. Her name
was 'Mrs. Diamond' and she had a dog named Flo.
She was very nice and would come over to make
brownies (not the space kind) with me and watch
'Fame'. The only bummer was she always called
me 'Christian' which is not my name and that sucked.

That was not as bad I guess as when each year I
received a completely and totally illegible $25
check made out to "Chriszkpezn Whillyemhtwzs'
from my estranged ex-prisoner of war grandfather
Jack. The check was often so mispelled that even
my local small town bank wouldn't cash it. Nothing
like being twelve years old with a $25 check burning
in your pocket. My sister and I have calculated that
to date if I were able to cash those checks I could be
$725 richer.

A recent letter from the Department of Labor reads:

'Dear Krispen:
The Department of Labor has learned that you were
discharged for MISCONDUCT from your job with
VIACOM INTERNATIONAL."

Who me?

Two For One

It's kinda sad when you order so much take out
food for yourself at lunch that the delivery guy
brings two sets of plates and knives and forks
in two seperate bags with your order and asks
if you'd like him to 'set it up for you' while
motioning to your office conference room.

um...no. that's ok.