Corporate Lunch

Today for the second day in a row I went to
buy today's lunch from the vending machine
at work. Leaving my desk for more than three
minutes is not allowed-ever. After I made my
hearty and low fat selection of chips and soda,
I reached in to retrieve my items only to get my
bracelet caught on the inside of the vending
machine flap door. By the time I was able to
wrangle myself free from the machine, suck
my bloody thumb and run back to my desk,
I calculated that I could have probably used
LESS time fetching lunch from outside the
office.

When I got back to my desk there was a note.

‘Please don’t take out of office lunches on
such busy days. Thank you.’

The Pork Store

Over the weekend I went to the Pork Store.
Yes. It's called the Pork Store. An old Italian
deli where I buy stuff. Like bacon.

The guy behind the counter said,
"Damn. What magazine you in!"

I paused and said, "It's a new magazine.
Maybe you've heard of it. It's called, 'I Just
Woke Up and Haven't Brushed My Hair. "

He laughed. The other guy behind the counter
said, "Damn, That must be a good magazine!"

After a few moments of long, deep eye contact
my eyes darted between the two guys, "Um.
Why. What magazine are you guys in? And by
the way can I order some bacon or what?"

They laughed and one guy said, "Now your
funny!"

?

Willow For A Day

Yesterday while waiting for the subway a tall
tall man resembling Michael Jordan wearing a
very expensive looking suit came up to me and
grabbed my arm in excitement, "WILLOW! No
way I thought it was you!!!"

Um. No. No way. It wasn't Willow. The man was
so embarassed and apologized profusely.

Who is this Willow I wondered. And why was
she wearing my sparkle pink hat?

Today mom told me that she and dad are going
to a funeral of some guy's father they knew
long ago.

Me: Where is the funeral?
Mom: Where your grandmother's wake was held.
Me: And where was that? (I was 5)
Mom: Cappy O'Briens
Me: Wha? Cappy...O'Briens? An Irish pub?
Mom: (laughs) Sort of. It's a funeral home that sees
a lot of drinking Irish.

Let's hope my nana- Mary Theresa Maria Fagan
didn't overhear this convo. If so-sorry nana. We
were only kidding.

Grumpy Rant

do you have friends that you love to hang
out with and see but unless you call them
they never get in touch with you? well i have
those friends and right now they annoy me.

Sweet Grace Where Have You Gone

I am not feeling very graceful lately. Not as in spaz-
knocking over things but rather not sharp and funny.
In all fairness I have a nasty head cold. I feel as if
I am in a complete and total fog most of the time.
I have also gone through 10.7 million tissues in
three days.

Things I do when I'm getting a cold:

-Let me hair go wild-my hair is actually super wavy
if I don't blow dry it. When this occurs I resemble
the woman in the top photo below but seven times
worse. I know how crazy it looks because when
people talk to me they keep staring up at my
crazy wild hair.

-I rent trashy DVDs of every kind and allow myself
to watch 7 hours straight of TV without even feeling
guilty.

-I purchase mini tissue packs-you know the kind.
The ones your grandmother carried in her purse.

-I eat comfort food like mac and cheese and soup
and toasted rice cakes with peanut butter

-I slam doors shut, the toilet seat down, I stomp
and sigh

-I put on cozy pants and two shirts and a wool
sweater and a scarf and then within seconds I
whip it all off and put on a tank top and skirt and
flip flops complaining how it's boiling hot in here
and why do we have the windows shut.

I also get very grouchy.