If Bagels Could Talk

"Why do you always eat us into the exact shape of
the United States of America?"

Definition of A Great Girl's Night:

When the convo is so good you don't want to
leave the table to go pee.

Blogged Pores

I've been a little lazy about writing. Not feeling very inspired.
I did remember an odd nickname the Prez of my University
called me 'back in the day'. It was 'Lips Williams' in response
to a giant, glossy, color photo of me printed in our University
paper. My lips looked huge. It seemed as if my entire mouth
took up the whole photograph. Maybe it wouldn't have been
bad to be nicknamed 'Lips Williams' if I were say...a stripper
or a lipstick model or a fantastic trumpet player. But oh no. I
was just a mere Junior in college attending an all women's
school in an area of the south they called, 'Big Lick Valley'.

More Than Donuts hasn't gotten a present in a while. Time to
go shopping!

Secret Gym Member Only VIP Room Complete
With Ice Cream Sandwiches

So back to this gym thing...I've gone four times
this week which seems slightly manic for a gal
that was so anti-gym. But it's like a streak of
crazy luck-I've ended up going at wierd hours
and the sweet although overly tanned girl working
the front desk just waves me through for free as
if to say, 'see non-going gym girl-people that go
to the gym get rewards like this-free admission'.
Is this some sort of marketing scam to make be
become a member? Just curious because I'll
take it. I've started to like the smell of the towels.
Today I used the blowdryer on my wet from the
rain Pumas. I even checked out my ass in the
mirror while actually on the treadmill. Yes. It's
possible that things are getting scary.

Do you think there is actually a back room to all
gyms that is a VIP gym members only lounge of
sorts-complete with junk food like cheese Combos
Pizza Pockets and ice cream sandwiches? And
inside the special room you can smoke and there
is a full bar and no matter what the season is they
have the heat on full blast so whenever anyone
exits they come out in a full sweat? Just curious.
If only I spent this much time on thinking about
my career.

That Person

I'm pretty sure you too know 'that person', the kind that
when you ask how they are they never say, 'shitty actually
-pretty shitty'. All you want them to say is the occasional,
'things are shitty thanks and how about you?'. But no.
Instead when you ask how they are they say 'great!' and
before you know it you have been given a chapter of their
new screenplay that's just been signed with Miramax and
you are hearing about how much vacation time they have
and how they can't decide between the house on the Cape
or the place in Vermont and then you hear how wild it was
that they ran into an old roommate from Harvard recently
who it turned out was in the very same Cambodian cooking
class -small world-not to mention the old roommate had
actually read about their promotion in the New York Times.
For fucks sake people throw me a bone would ya?

Miss Manners

I literally just ate a little glob of cole slaw with my
fingers because I was too lazy to go get a fork from
downstairs. This working with all guys thing is really
starting to pay off in the area of manners.
hee hee.

The best part of having ten million interests
in everything from learning Spanish to knitting
to sewing to excercise to writing to baking to
drawing to playing music to taking photos to
whatever it is that floats my boat at the moment
is that when a long weekend comes up like this
I will be sure to have ten million fun and yummy
things to choose from to keep me happy and
busy no matter if the sun is shining or not. So
there.

Over the weekend I painted silver a rusty pipe in my bathroom.
I put up newspaper behind it and not only until I was done
tacking it up did I realize I'd used the 'dirty' pages taken from
the Village Voice newspaper. Ha.

Guilty confession: I have a little soft spot for John Denver.

One time I ran into a person I'd just met recently. They
said, I think I saw you 'blading' (rollerblading) in the park.'
This caused the friend I was with to snort beer out their
nose laughing. I hate to excercise so um...no that was
not me.

*****
In other news, last night I went to the gym. I have never
been on a treadmill and was afraid if I turned it on I would
bust into one of those Kramer type moves where I fly off
the back all the while trying to run. Once I figured it out I
got in a groove (much like life-ha-corny). I must say I would
love the chance to meet the brilliant person who came up
with the idea to have 'Access Hollywood' playing at full blast
near the treadmill. I could go all night without even knowing
I was running.

I have been close to tears exactly five times today.

Sunday Nights or Monday Mornings...Which Seems More Cruel?

I used to hate Sunday nights. I used to hate Sundays in general.
They represented going back to work and having to deal again
after trying to turn my mind off for the weekend. Now I've met
someone who helps me appreciate my Sundays. Walking
around. Drinkin' beer. Having a BBQ. Taking photos. So here
it is Monday morning at the crack of dawn and I want more
more more of less again.

Last Night's Dream-You Analyze

Last night in my dream I was given an award for being the most
giving person in America. I was in the wings of a dark auditorium
watching a slide show of all my amazing accomplishments. One
of the photos showed me replacing the bloody bandage of
wounded soldier on the field. At the end of it, I was called to the
front of the room to open a giant gift wrapped in a white cloth. It
turned out to be a TV that played a movie of what I actually won
-a six month vacation around the world -for two. Everyone was
clapping and so happy and excited and I stammered….’But I…
thank you but…wait I...I don’t have that much vacation time…’

Side Splitting

I just wanted to see if any one else thought it was
HILARIOUS that on a day when I'm alone getting
the phones at work, the same HILARIOUS guy
keeps calling back for a client here but says stuff
like, 'tell her it's 'the frog' calling or wait...actually
...tell her (5 other phone lines blinking) tell her that
...um (giant lunch order arriving must sign for check)
tell her that it's 'prince charles' but then wait for her
to first say (boss buzzing me frantically on intercom)
'Who?' and then (Fed-Ex arriving with package) if
she finally can't guess tell her it's Mark Coles.'

'please hold'
BUZZ
'Maria?'
'Mark Coles-line 4'
CLICK

Only Sisters

I hate when I leave my cell phone at home and
have no way to reach my sister immediately to
ask her the burning question if I look better with
short hair or long hair and depending on which
one what should I do about it...

Another One For The List

Frenemies: people who act friendly to your face
but scheme and talk smack behind your back.

The Yearly



Every year as I woman, I go off to my yearly OBGYN
appointment. I am ever so tempted to write OGBYN
-just because and not only because I'm a bad speller.
Sometimes it's spooky there. Not in a bad way. Just
in a, 'HEY JUST INCASE YOU FORGOT YOU HAVE
SOME EGGS AND CAN MAKE BABIES' kind of way.

Child Magazine. Parent Magazine. Family Circle.
Highlights. Children running in the lobby. Women
pregnant. Photos on walls of moms kissing the
heads of tiny, tiny babies. Couple holding hands
trying to get pregnant. Young girl looking as if
might pregnant but not wanting to be. Woman
knitting baby blanket. It's no wonder I'm not
spontaneously impregnated by merely sitting
in the waiting room.

I enter the exam room. I am asked to remove
the 'lower half' of my clothes and my bra. 'Sorry
we are out of robes.' Out of robes here is like
being on the can with no TP. Hung out to dry.
A woman screams bloody murder from the
area next door while I sit waiting in a cold
purple room. When the female Doc comes
in I ask, 'Is she ok?' to which she responds,
'Yes. I just had to perform a procedure on her.'
to which I say half joking, 'Pease don't do the
same on me'...

Ain't Going Out Like That

If at any point I happen to be an accomplished
writer listed in the New York Times obituaries,
feel free to leave out any parts resembling the
phrase 'passed on due to complications during
bowel movement surgery'. Thanks.

Missing Out

I've never had a hickie. Did I miss out on something
so high school and great? Today the office intern
showed up with four on her neck after a wild weekend
at Six Flags Great Adventure. I went to Six Flags once.
The only thing I came home with was a canker sore
on my tongue from eating too much cotton candy.

Comments

Hey everyone-I just wanted to thank u all for leaving
comments.You are all quite funny. Thank you also to
those of you that have signed my guestbook. I just sat
here reading through them all and they made me laugh.

xxx The Donut

I work with all guys. This is weird.

Clothing Update

As a result of yesterday's level of uncomfort
I've decided to go easy on myself. Today I
am wearing black cozy pants, a black velvet
hooded sweatshirt, puma sneakes and giant
hoop earrings. I feel like J-Lo.

Pants From Hell

If there were pants that people were forced to
wear in hell, I not only own them but I am currently
wearing them right now. These pants are leftovers
from a time when my life wasn't good and I was
stressed and weighed about 70 lbs-not really but
close. Why I thought I could squish into them and
wear them today I am still not quite sure. All I know
is that when I unbutton them to pee there is a giant
ring around my belly not unlike a ring one would
find after wearing a rubber band on their wrist
all day. The pants are cutting off my circulation.
They ride up my crack when I walk and at lunch
I totally lost a button. May I never EVER wear
these pants again.

Poor Guy

Today I made the 19 yr old guy intern carry my
broken office laptop to the computer store in a
pink, 'Hello Kitty', purse/bag. It was the only bag
we had. Oops.

Dick Clark is Lying To Me

When I flip the channel and catch the end of Dick
Clark's '50 Years of TV Bloopers' and Dick Clark
says, 'And here's to 50 more years of TV bloopers!'
does he really mean it?

Cinco De Nightmare

Me and three cactus pear margaritas with salt
on a Monday night can never be a good thing.
Tequila makes me crabby.

Cinco De Mayo

One time I wished my mother 'Happy Cinco
De Mayo' and she said, 'How do you know?'

Note to Spaced Out Family of Four

If you choose to stand an inch from the cash register in
a tightly packed, bustling cafe in midtown to read your
map and within two minutes seven, overly stressed New
Yorkers ask you if you are 'on line', maybe it's best you
take this as a sign to relocate the family to another
location. Just a thought.

Gettin' Freaky In The Tank

We just added a school of clown fish to our tank.
The fish guy says by the end of the day they will
go off into pairs. If two males or two females are
left over then one of them will cross over into being
the opposite sex. Things...are gettin' freaky in the
tank.

Office Supply Geek

I just caught myself smiling as I used White Out
to erase some things off my wall calendar here
at work. Maybe it's the fumes.

Summer School

One summer I had to attend summer school. Believe me
when I tell you it really sucked. It was a complete and total
John Hughes cliche. While my friends were drinking beer
on the beach, I was stuffed into a hot, yellow school bus
with windows that wouldn't go down, being driven 45
minutes there and back through strip mall hell. The only
highlight of the experience was our bus driver Dolores,
a large woman who on the day I met her was wearing a,
'Don't Mess With This Sister' T-shirt and carrying a
gigantic 'boom box' blasting Queen Latifah which she
placed on the dash. The last day of summer school,
Dolores lit up a cigarette and let us all smoke on the
bus too. She even stopped off at McDonalds under
the condition we didn't 'tell our parents'. It doesn't
seem like much now but at the time it felt like total
freedom.

Intern Moment of The Day

When our Russian DJ intern played house music
involving a girl moaning her way to an orgasm so
loudly at his desk that when I was on the phone
with a client they said, 'Um..what is THAT???'.

Why do drunk nights always end up in the pizza parlor?