Pretty sure the new diet doesn't allow
for what I had for dinner: an ice cream
sandwich and a beer. Sigh.

Done With Being Cheap

Trust me when I tell you the following:

-a $4 chinese lunch special tastes like a $4 chinese lunch special
-a free haircut looks like a free hair cut
-$25 boots feel like $25 boots
-a $4.99 shirt looks like a $4.99 shirt
-$3 face cream smells like $3 face cream

This looks like some random ad or something right?
Oh no. This would be a photo of my dad and little
chubby me looking like a boy and running naked
through the woods. This is what all your childhood
photo albums look like when your parents were
hippies back in the day.

*Note: two seconds after I post this I hear the cat
in the other room clawing the photo to bits and I
yelled, 'Stop it! Don't rip up my DAD!' ???

Sometimes I hate being an adult. One of those times
is when I go to a party these days and it's all stuffy and
wierd and people are drinking wine and there are things
like drink coasters and a designated place to put your
coats and the food consists of various cheeses and
ham and honey mustard... sometimes I miss a good
old rager of the high school type where all walks of life
cluster in some kid's divorced parent's basement and
it would smell all musty and there would be a beat up
pool table and mood lighting and stupid jokes and
all the Schlitz beer one could ever want in life and
something about the night would make you feel so
real, so alive and very real.

Anyone for a lamb shaped dessert smothered in what
looks to be BBQ sauce, sitting on a tropical island and
all the while representing both Easter and American pride?
Just let me know and I'll pick you up one from the local
bakery near my house.

Just A Small Town Girl



There are times living in New York that I am reminded I am just
a small town girl. One of those is when I go to the drugstore
Duane Reade by my office and it requires that I take an
escalator to buy toothpaste on the second floor.

Take A Seat Buster

Note to Joe Dumpster Dumping Coolio on this
morning's crowded subway...if it happens to be
'Bring Your Own Wheeling Office Chair To Work'
day again please be sure to take a friggin' seat
in it instead of leaning on it while you grade
papers taking up valuable space from your
fellow New Yorkers. Better yet-take a cab.

Dear Faithful MTD readers:

(insert the sound of one hand clapping)

I am being lame in my daily updates and for that
I am sorry. I am having a bit of the blog blahs, the
donut dumps-whatever you want to call it. I am sick
of the lay out of my blog-I want glitz, glam, flash and
sparkle but sadly I am a computer retard so there
won't be much of that happening here.

The good news is I plan to try and upload pix on a
daily basis. Hopefully it will be a good jumping off
point for some of my writing. Anyway, as for now
stay tuned-all three of you.

xoxoxo the donut

What is a bad girl exactly?
Not sure but I like to be one.

When I am tired I can be quite
a brat. When someone asks
me to do something fun I say
things like, '(sigh)...maybe' or
'(sigh) what time does it start?'
or '(sigh) i'll see how I feel.'
Forgive me. It's been a long
week.

Metallica Rocks

So it was back into the voice over booth
again today at work to record an MTV
commercial about Metallica. Instead of
hiring talent on occasion they call in
someone like me to pop in the booth,
put on the headphones and say things
like,

'Metallica ROCKS!!!'
'They have the BEST live shows EVER!!!'
'Metallica takes music to a NEW level!'
'Metallica is the greatest tour band EVER!'

yeah...tune in and listen...that will be me...

Award Winning Material

It just occurred to me today that now
that I’m an adult-having blundered my
way through a number of inconsistent
professions, that I no longer win or
receive any awards, medals, ribbons
or certificates of any sort rewarding
me in any way for my small talents,
contributions or achievements in life
despite how random or tiny they are.

When you are a kid, it seems every
corner you turn there is an opportunity
to be ‘Best Reader’, ‘Fastest Potato
Sack Race Racer’ or the chance to
receive a certificate congratulating
you on joining the JV Field Hockey
team or for merely contributing your
sea shell project to this year's science
fair -even if you didn't win.

Awards are small victories. They are
things I think we are missing as hard
working serious adults. I can still recall
the glazed but proud look in the eyes
of my parents as they sawed away at
their rubbery Chicken Cordon Bleu at
our small town restaurant 'Porky's' and
clapped as their daughter in a peach
striped sweater and zig zag earrings
walked up to accept the John Phillips
Sousa Award for her outstanding
contribution in musical achievement.
Now that my friends is award winning
material.

Dana and I are friends because when she
sends me an email titled, 'I want to be a
lesbian' I don't even have to read it to know
that she's had it with boys and for that I
can sometimes relate.

Creepy Moment Of The Day:

Riding a slow elevator ride to the 8th
floor alone with the UPS man who is
quietly singing Nelly's, 'It's gettin' hot
in here...So take off all your clothes..."

New York Times Wrangler

I just wanted to let the folks at the New York Times
know that they have my vote should they ever want
to make their paper HALF THE SIZE of what it is
now which is HALF THE SIZE of my body in length.
At least I manage to provide some comic relief to
my fellow subway passengers on the crowded train
as they watch me fold and refold the gargantuan
sized pages of my newspaper each morning. I’d
show more grace wrangling a boa constrictor I tell
ya...

Today is royal pain in the ass day
in so many ways you can't even
friggin' imagine. AGH!

Too Bad Our Daughter Was Abducted
But At Least Those Harp Lessons Paid Off

According to this morning’s news regarding
Elizabeth Smart’s first night back at home
with her family, the New York Times says that,

‘At the urging of her entire family, Elizabeth
struggled through a few songs on the harp,
complaining that she was out of practice
after nine months away.’

Listen up people! Give the kid a fuckin’ break!
Let her take a shower, check her email, read
a Teen magazine for Christ's sake.

I must admit I am a little 'extra' fired up about
this topic seeing that as a kid I always felt
tremendous pressure from my family to
perform musically and hey-I wasn't even
out of practice due to being abducted.

Da.

Alex the young Russian DJ intern
here at work is the source of many
interesting factoids for me. Not only
did he just provide me with a list of
'must see' clubs to check out should
I ever go to Miami but he also warned
me not to leave my money or keys out
on the table because this is 'bad luck
according to Russian people'. Da. Who
knew.

Busted

For the person that did a recent
search for my name with the word
'naked' after it-I am sorry you were
brought to this link. There ain't no
T & A here honey. Well...I mean
there is but not for you to see.

Report From Florida:

Florida is wierd. People talk about
their Pomeranian pups.

Cat For Sale

When Jane the orange tabby cat
misses her owner this is what she
does to me in the middle of the
night:

-claw and eat my hair

-knock papers off my desk on purpose

-scratch and chew up precious photos

-claw my pillow

-lick my elbows, eyelids and feet

-goes into sock drawer and nudges out
socks one by one on to floor

-chews on pens at ear piercing volume

-claws at door and whines when i am in
the bathroom

Come home soon!!!!!

Wearing Last Night's Party

I liked my outfit last night. It wasn't anything great
or unusual. Just cozy and warm. I decided to wear
the same thing to work today except the only
bummer is I smell like last night's party complete
with cigarettes and beer.

Note to self: Multiple 'zombie' drinks on a school
night-not a great idea.

When Meat Patties Save The Day

So I’m totally diggin' the new job but gotta
say the location pretty much stinks. When
I step outside my office door I am immediately
surrounded by tourists with ‘Le Chateau’ bags
as well as a plethora of fast food joints to
choose from. Each day I walk the streets
in a hunger rage holding out as long as I
can before I succumb to a White Castle in
a last ditch attempt to fill my belly.

Today I discovered something amazing.
I found (just a few steps from my office)
three Jamaican bike messengers chillin’,
drinkin’ Ting and eating what appeared
to be some tasty looking meat patties
outside a tiny, brightly painted hole in
the wall place with a modest sign that
read, Golden Krust Patties, Inc. –“Home
Of The World’s Best Patties’.

Can I just confirm…having both lived and
worked in Jamaica long enough to develop
an opinion… that the Coco bread, Roti and
Meat and Veggie patties at Golden Krust
Patties, Inc. are damn good! I actually
wanted to order everything on the menu
but by the time I got to the end of my patties
I thought I might explode.

On a side note, here are two things I totally
tolerate from a typical Jamaican eatery
that anywhere else I may have a total
meltdown over:

-A line to order food forming yet apparently
not moving at all for a long period of time.
No sign of said line moving yet customers
waiting on line not seeming to care nor the
employees that work there.

-When placing order, not able to hear
person working at counter because music
is so loud...in this case Reggae.

I like when I try and depend on boys
for my technical problems and they
totally can't help at all and then
I get super frustrated but in the
end figure it out myself. That shit
feels good I tell ya.

Just Another Vote of Confidence

Every day at the office the boss and I go
upstairs to check on the construction
of our soon to be expanded office. The
team of guys working on the space are
all Chinese and they have given me a
Chinese nickname because I cough
every time I enhale dust when I go up
there. Just so you know my Chinese
nickname is ' Little Weak Lung'. Um
...thanks guys

Too Much Coffee

I just called the 1-800 number of the place
we order coffee from for the office. I got
our account rep's voicemail. In a thick,
thick 'coffee tawk' a la Saturday Night
Live style accent her message said,

'Hi there...it's Victoria! Something's
brewin' and I'm not at my desk right
now. Leave me a message and I'll
get back to 'ya. Keep on perkin'!'

Some people should just not drink
caffeine.

Things That Made My Day So Far

Listening to my dad on NPR and hearing
him say, 'TACKO' and not 'TACO'. lol.

Leftover birthday cupcakes in office fridge.

Being asked to go in the voice over booth
at work, put on headphones and be taped
in the microphone clearing my throat and
saying, 'SHHHH!' like an angry librarian.

Bras Are Funny

In second grade I was asked to stand
in front of my class and read a story.
I had to pick the story-actually my mom
picked it for me. It was a story about a
little bunny that lost it's family in a horrible
accident. The bunny hid under a tree
in the snow until the next day when a
loving family of four came to cut down
the tree for the holidays and take both
the tree and the bunny home.

Only problem was there was a giant
bra ad on the back of my story that
was apparently torn from some chick
magazine. My whole class laughed
through the entire thing. Thanks mom.

A Sad Intern Tale

Today my boss asked me to send our
intern out to get balloons, streamers
ice cream and a card for our fellow
office mate. This required going to a
bunch of different places and it was
raining hard out.

Later we asked her to go pick up
about ten million tapes but she forgot
to bring the cart so carried them ten
blocks by hand.

Because she was late coming back
from the tape mission she missed
garbage pick up so we needed her
to hand deliver all the garbage bags
down eight flights of stairs to the
street.

As she was putting on her jacket to
head out I thanked her for everything
and asked what she was up to tonight.

'Going out for cheesecake...it's my
favorite.'
'Oh cool..any occasion?' I asked
'Yes. It's my birthday.'

What Do You Think?

Let's just say I am reminded of how
much I totally dig my new job when
I utter such sentences as, 'Hey David?
I didn't get your 'Baby Got Back' email.
Can you please resend it? Thanks.'

My Two Cents on Sports

I believe the consistently vacant and
somewhat pissed off look on the face
of Tiger Woods is not based on the art
of concentration but rather that he hasn't
had enough (any) sex.

And who exactly is the willing ghostwriter
for meathead Yankees pitcher David Wells
aka 'Boomer''s new book? Whoever you
are fess up! I may not know you but I find
you very scary.

And how about this people…how ‘bout
we freak out if Jimmy Carter makes a
spontaneous return from retirement and
not David Cone. At least Jimmy has better
stats or doesn't sweat under pressure.

Note To Self

Don't bake 2,000 cookies with a boy
without 'defining roles' first.