SO THIS IS WHAT 30 LOOKS LIKE

The results of the recent More Than Donuts poll finds that many
of you thought KDunk was the following age:

23: 1 person (u should win the prize-flattery is everything)
25: 2 people
26: 1 person
27: 5 people
28: 4 people
30: 2 people

The 2 people that guessed 30 are nicole and serendipity-altho
serendipity loses points for using the word 'old' and 'KDunk'
in the same sentence. You two can collect your prizes by
emailing me your address at KDunk10@aol.com.

Everyone else-thanks for playing. The best gift you can give
me is to keep coming back to read what I write even if I'm
an old hag.

XOXO

Deep Thoughts Of Labor Day

I guess in order to stop wearing white after
Labor Day I'd better start wearing white
before Labor Day.

B-Day Countdown

4 DAYS UNTIL MY BDAY!
MY BDAY IS FRIDAY!
HEE HEE HEE
Can you guess how old KDunk will be?
(if you don't know me that is)

Forgotten Family Memory

One time on a family trip at the airport
my sister asked my mom to take her to
the bathroom. Normally this would be no
no big deal but this particular gate involved
the two of them going back through security,
walking miles to the nearest bathroom, etc.

In the ladies room they waited on line for a
while. When it was finally my sister's turn instead
of heading towards the stall she walked over
towards the mirror.

"What are you doing?" my mother asked. Crossing
her eyes my sister said, "I wanted to see what I
looked like crosseyed in the mirror."

Reasons Enough Not To Date Me

I'll wear your socks so you have none left
and I'll leave a bunch of half finished, perfectly
good beers around the house.

Lame

Yesterday I was thinking that I should get a bike
to encourage myself to excercise more. Then I
remembered there was a used bike store not
more than a 15 minute walk from my house.
Then I thought, 'Wow. I wonder how much it
would cost to get a car service to drive me over
there.'

If Seen Please Call

Last night we did a good deed. E and I were walking
home from the subway. Out of the corner of E's eye
he spotted a little orange & white cat's head peeking
out of the broken window of an abandon building. I
yelled, 'That's the cat!' to which E looked confused.
'The cat! From the sign!' For some reason I was
very excited. Earlier that day I had read this poster:

LOST CAT!
Heinz is a large, medium haired orange & white tabby.
Sweet & lovable. If seen please call....

We called the cat over. It was clean and white and
cute-an indoor cat for sure. We hoped it was the one.
I ran and got the poster off the mailbox. E called and
the owners came running. They lived right across the
street. They were like parents that lost their kid-angry
at first but so thankful to find him. Lots of hugging.
Hugging-as in them and their cat. Not all of us.

I think the main problem with lost 'whatever' posters-
lost cat, lost kid, lost watch is that sentiment takes over
when writing the signs and then people like me-don't
really know what we should be looking for. You never
see signs like this:

Lost Cat!
This cat is really fucking annoying but we love him. Orange
tabby. He may claw through the garbage, rip up precious
family photos and refuse to drink water unless it's in a
metal bowl. If seen please call...

Lost Child!
I'm going to frickin' kill this kid when they get home but
we really miss her. She is our darling baby. I hope she
is ok but I can't even begin to tell you the punishment
she will endure when she returns. If seen please call...

Lost Watch!
I never really liked this watch and it pinches the hair on
my wrist but my girlfriend's mom gave it to me and if I
don't get it back I'm in some fucking deep shit. If seen
please call...

Smelly Pants

Last night in a rush I took some black jeans
out of the dryer. They had been in there a
few days and weren't really all that dry. At
the bar after a few drinks people started
saying things like, 'Wow! This bar smells
musty!' and 'Ugh-someone has some
serious body odor issues'. It didn't occur
to me after the 3rd comment or so that
um...it was actually me. Me and my smelly
pants.

The Girls

I always post these photos when I miss my friends.
Nothing like a bunch of chicks getting ready together
in the bathroom. We all went to an all women's college
and really appreicate our time together sans dudes.
I am starting to feel very sentimental these days regarding
our time together or should I say our time not together.
Everyone is either married or about to get married or busy
or living in different places. People are talking about babies
and jobs and taking care of our parents. We sound old
but we aren't or are we?

Black Out

Things bought during black out:
5 white candles, 2 bags of Salt n' Vinegar chips (??!)
Bread, Peanut butter, 1 Orange/Pineapple drink

Things consumed during black out:

Fresh goat cheese, Lard bread, Wheat bread & peanut butter
Water, 1 Vodka & Orange/Pineapple drink, 1 Margarita on the
rocks with salt, 1 Corona with lime (would have had more drinks
but ATM was down), 1 box of Good N' Plenty

People Hung Out With During Black Out:

Rockin' 3 limit margarita drinkin' Julie
Devoted bridge climbing, must get home to walk Coco Amy
Bummed locked himself out of his brother's apartment Adam
'The stars will look great tonight' surfer type hitting on us guy
Belting tunes w/guitar but not in annoying way blond guy at bar
Green google wearing 7 yr old, "La Cucaracha" singing neighbor Emmett

Things I Thought About During Black Out:

How is Bloomberg going to make this all about him and how he
saved all of New York yet again in a time of crisis?
Who can I borrow money from if this black out continues?
Why is my man not coming home to join me tonight?
Will the feta cheese I just bought go bad?
Why are there so many sirens and constant fire alarms?
Wow-there are many drunk guys walking around my neighborhood.

Animals I Hung Out With During Black Out:
Snot nosed, snorting pug dog drinking water from a shot glass
Fluffy the fluff dog on a leash running to and fro
Two dogs wearing green light sticks around their necks

Overheard Pretentious New York City Mom
and Child Conversation

Mom: "You hungry honey?"
Child: "No"
Mom: "You want your sweet potato taro chips?"
Child: "No"
Mom: "How about your palm pilot honey?"
Child: "Ok"

Mike? Is That You?

Sometimes when I listen to NPR and they jump
quickly from interview to interview with people
from Russia, India or Germany- the accents start
to sound cliche as if it's actually just Mike Myers
over there at the sound booth of NPR doing some
'wacky' impressions.

Gregory Hines died and that is sad.

When A Spaz Paints

Sometimes I get a bad idea which I think is a
good idea and that is to paint something.

How a normal person paints something:

Buy can of paint. Return home. Change into
'painting' clothes. Lay out newspaper. Tape
areas in which we do not want paint to bleed,
tidy up after fantastic quick and easy paint job.

How I paint something:

Buy can of paint. Wrong kind. Return to store. At
home and while wearing favorite jeans and tank top
-pop lid off can of white paint. Paint lid falls on shirt
and rolls down jeans. Paint can lid drops to floor.
Cursing. Hobble to to try and wash off paint with
water-duh-remember I need turpentine. Don't have
any. Walk towards door. Trip on fallen broom-grab
table to balance yet knock off paint can onto floor.
Giant, massive, huge white puddle develops worthy
of photo but no time. Hands and clothes now covered
in white paint. Bring hand to temples in shock and
get paint in hair. More cursing. Mop giant, massive,
huge white puddle up with old newspapers and put
into garbage bag. Bring garbage out. Return to kitchen
only to see that underside of flip flop unknowingly
has paint on it. Entire apartment filled with white polka
dots from everywhere I walked. Have yet to even begin
painting.

Typical Friday Night Plans

Tonight I think I'll leave my 10,000 degree apartment
behind and find myself a nice cool meat locker to sleep
in.

LOOK OUT WORLD: Becca Bell is engaged!

Signs Your Child May Have Some Emotional
Troubles Worth Checking Out

(excerpts taken from my actual Q & A kid's book
titled 'What I'm Thinking and Why'):

Q: What object would you like to be and why?
A: Dice. Because they are always lost.

Q: Do you ever show off? Why?
A: Yes. Because it feels very good. People listen to me.

Q: If you were on a boat, where would you go, who
would you invite and why?
A: I would sail to China. I would have a party and
invite a nice dolphin aboard.

Q: Make A List of 5 things you don't understand.
A:
1. People in my class at school
2. Homework
3. Mrs. Wiltse (Science teacher)
4. Mrs. Leaden (Math teacher)
5. Mrs. Williamson (Spelling teacher)

Wrong Aid

I'd just like to say that the drug store Rite Aid
is a constant disappointment. Every time I step
through it's inevitably broken doors, I am faced
with aisles and aisles of half opened goods, shelves
of 'As Seen on TV!' products and things like Trapper
Keepers or six packs of Tab Cola-things I haven't
seen since 1983. Rite Aid appears to be the dumping
ground for every hunk of crap every other drug
store in America wants to get rid of. Nothing beats
my all time favorite drug store Duane Reade which
I affectionately like to call, 'The Duane'.

Cat Hair And Sweat

If there is anyone that will be bummed to
see me return to work you can be sure it
won't be my boyfriend or my parents but
rather Jane the cat who finds it her mission
in life to sit one inch from me at all times-
24hrs a day-her hair shedding so much
in the summer heat that globs of it just
fly into the air and stick on to my sweaty
skin. It's kinda cute actually.

Cafe Buffoonery

Every morning I get my iced coffee at the same cafe.
It costs me $1.50 and is about nine steps from my
house-a distance I find manageable without caffeine
before I consider killing someone.

The café is run by three generations of Argentineans
-Grandma, Mom and a son and daughter around my age.
Every morning while I'd rather grunt “Me want coffee. Me
no want talk.” the son would rather start off with a, “Good
morning? And how are you?”-- or would he? His mother
makes him use those silly, elaborate, silver tongs to hand
me a cranberry muffin so what's not keeping her from
making him be nice?

New York is an anonymous city. Here we don't have to
make small talk. We see the same bar tenders, the same
subway attendants, the same deli lady, the same paper guy,
the same mailman, etc. on a daily basis. The only difference
between us and a small town is that we don’t know the
names or life stories behind the people we come in contact
with. If we do we pretend we don’t.

There are times New Yorkers cross the border. When a
bartender calls you by the first name –this is a good thing.
I once made this mistake with the paper guy by going from
a “New York Times please.” to a “Hi. How are you? More
rain huh? New York Times please. Thanks.” There was no
turning back.

Recently I did a Google search on the unusual name of my
morning café. The translation is of Italian descent and means
‘Buffoonery’. It may be an odd choice for the name of a café
run by Argentineans but you can be sure I won’t ask them
why.

A Clean Death

The pestering fruit flies that swarm my kitchen
have just endured a strange but clean death.
I sprayed them with a giant cloud of Febreze
regular strength. So there.

Dog People

Dog people are really...dog people aren't they?
I mean no offense but does this make me a
cat person and if so what does that really mean?

I just returned with Jane the cat from the animal
clinic in Brooklyn. The lobby was overrun with dog
people with their French bull dogs and pure bread
whatevers. I kid you not when I say that people
were holding hands with their poodles and reading
New York magazine to their pugs. One dog person
said to another, "Alaskan Malmute double coated
breed, right?" while shooting finger guns. "Yeah...
of Kotzebue decent." said the other smugly.

What are you people talking about? And why does
everyone in this B&B style decorated lobby need
to hear where your dog goes to doggie day care?

Jane and I felt like a couple of rebels. We almost
opened a six pack. At one point a chick with funky
glasses and a Kate Spade leash for her rat of a
dog looked over sadly at my cat carrier as if cats
were 'so last year'.

'Cat huh?'
'Yup.'
'She doesn't seem pleased to be here.'

I wanted to warn her to stay away because I'd just rescued
Jane from a flea infested dumpster in the Bronx but instead
I said,

'Well...no. She really isn't.'