HAPPY HOLIDAYS



Happy Holidays to everyone. See you in a week. I am headed
home where I will spend time with my family. The first time we
have all been together just the four of us since 1994. Let's
hope Santa brings me lots of booze.

xoxoxo
The Donut

Things I Actually Want For Christmas

-A fleece robe that I can never get out of ever.
One that will keep me warm as I shuffle over to
the bar to make myself a morning bloody mary
(mom-I'm kidding)

-A housekeeper-specifically my younger sister who
I actually convinced once at a young age that cleaning
my room was fun while I sat on the bed and read
magazines.

-A dog-but only for a day.

-My own personal hairdresser that I could just meet
in my bathroom every morning to deal with my hair
and could talk with me about the latest in Hollywood
trash gossip.

-A sexy singing voice

More Than Donuts is not embarrassed to
admit that she appreciates the occasional
inspirational quote now and again. Here is
the latest:

Work Like You Don't Need Money
Love Like You've Never Been Hurt
Dance Like No One Is Watching

(And no-I didn't get it from Oprah)

Side note: My grandmother calls Oprah
"Opfer" for some reason.

GO HERE .

That's What I'm Sayin'

When working the pasta buffet while catering recently
a woman asked me what I had in each chafing dish. All
the lids were off from the pans and I pointed and explained,

'Here we have a pesto pasta with chicken and pine nuts.
Here we have a farfalle pasta with caramelized onions in
a white wine sauce. And here we have a tri color fusilli
pasta in a vodka sauce.'

Pausing a moment she asked, "So are you saying all of
these dishes have pasta in them?

What It's Like To Date Me

The Good:
I will buy you coffee in the morning

The Bad:
I will stuff and hide crap in closets and on shelves
before people come over to give the 'illusion' that
the place is in order. I will then forget entirely that
I have stuffed and hidden things in closets and on
shelves until I hear a giant crash from the living
room and find you standing there innocently
looking for your jacket among a sea of Christmas
wrapping paper, ribbons, hangers, magazines,
a cat carrying case and a goose down comforter
with a hole in it. Oops.

Now That's A Host

I like my friend Wendy for many reasons.
One of them is because when I leave her
house after dinner she hands me a roll of
TP because I'm out at home.

Party Panic

I need a Karaoke song.
Suggestions?

COAT CHECK GIRL

The other night when catering I was told the last line
in the world one wants to hear, "They need you in
coat check." This can never be a good sign. The
captain always puts more than enough people on
coat check and if he pulls someone off the floor to
run to coat check it means it is a mad house beyond
human control. And it was.

If you don't set up an organized system at the start
of the night in regards to coat check you are SCREWED.
Especially if you work a party of over five hundred people
and it's New York and everyone has a black coat, and is
carrying about 10,000 bags (their gym bag, sample sale
bag, change of shoes, laptop, etc.) The exterior table of
where you hand in your ticket to retrieve your coat may
appear calm but I can tell you the back room looks and
sounds like a Wall Street trading floor.

"I gotta Coach bag, black Coach bag white stitching,
ticket #498, 498 anyone? anyone? Coach bag? Coach
bag?"

"I gotta #239, 239 male trenchcoat -empty hanger
anyone? Anyone? 239, empty hanger, empty hanger?"

Trust me. You've never felt a pit in your stomach until
you've gone to retrieve someone's mink coat and are
met with an empty hanger.

When you get to a party's coat check, there is a hanger
waiting for you with two tickets on it. One ticket is for
you and one is for the person working coat check to
use as reference in finding your coat in the masses.
NOTE TO YOU: KEEP YOUR COAT CHECK TICKET.

Lines of the night I don't enjoy hearing include:

"Um...hey...sorry. I lost my ticket. It should be pretty
simple to find. Black, long, woman's jacket..."

"Can I just step back there and help you find it?"

Nor do I enjoy this exchange which happens a million
times, "Did you check a bag with your coat sir?"

(talking to friend distracted) "Um...sir?"

"Ah...yes- a black one."

Searching. Searching. Searching. Searching. Searching.

"Sir-I was able to find your coat but can you please
describe your bag?"

"I didn't check a bag." (walks off talking and no tip)

In the backroom people are running and I mean running.
This particular party's coat room was prob the length of
half of one New York City block-which is LONG. We were
searching for bags, umbrellas, snow shoes, dog leashes,
hats, gloves, ear muffs, laptops, poster tubes and just
about anything that people feel the need to check in at
a party.

There is a lot of climbing over bags and no air and taking
down heavy, heavy loads of winter coats on hangers and
moving them places. There are a lot of bags with long
scarves loosely attached and falling off. There are purses
and messenger bags not properly closed. There are lipsticks
rolling out. Newspapers stuffed in jacket pockets. People
please! It's hot. My sweaty face sticks to all the wool. There
is a lot of cursing.

Major Do and Don't regarding the coat check:

*DO...TIP

*DON'T...ASK OUT THE COAT CHECK GIRL OUT AT THE
END OF THE NIGHT

She will never say yes.

Wow. I'm totally hungover from last
night's pity party. I hate that.

Back In The Catering Saddle

I'm back in the catering saddle to earn a little extra
holiday cash. I truly love it. It's a lot of damn work
but the people I cater with are hilarious. They are
writers, actors, dancers and models. Everyone has
a story. When we see one another again it's like no
time has passed. We talk about who went on tour
with Chicago and who had what article published
where. If you recognize one another only by face
we say, "Hi! Did you and I work the Gerber bar
mitzvah together?" while the other says, "Oh my
god yes! Where we rode in on elephants! Totally!
How ARE you?!!"

Mostly we pass the time making fun of the guests.
Keep in mind people, if you are at a party and you
are a jerk to the wait staff in any capacity, we may
be smiling at you while we hand you a steamy plate
of spaghetti bolognese but trust me when I tell you
we will make fun of you. Yes you.

Last night's party was for a major furniture design
company. I enjoy my role as a fly on the wall, dressed
all in black and hearing bits of people's conversations.
Mostly I enjoy when people treat me like an idiot at
their holiday party yet they are the ones wearing the
blinking Santa hat.

Last night I arrived and checked in with the captain-
the person (often a guy) in charge of the wait staff for
the night. Ironically, the captain is usually hysterical. He
runs around saying, "Ok people!!!" many times. He is
super stressed because while his title is 'captain' his
boss the catering company owner is there to oversee
the party. Meanwhile, the head chef in the kitchen can
also overule the captain's decisions and often does.
What chef says goes. Our chef and his staff -some
hard core Dominican boys from Queens- are the hardest
workers on the planet. Last week someone attempted
to break into chef's catering truck parked outside a gig
and it took only one right hook from chef's fist to the
intruder's face and he was knocked out cold until the
police arrived.

Last night my assignment slip listed '7th floor buffet'.
Buffet duty usually means running up and down flights
of stairs carrying hot, boiling trays of water and dodging
drunk people that ask you 10,000 times back at the
buffet station what everything is in each chafing dish.
The good news was I was assigned to work the station
with one of my favorite catering pals and we even had
a 'runner'. In catering terms a runner is like having an
intern to do all your dirty work. Our runner was a small,
vacant looking model we nicknamed 'Model Guy' for the
night. His blonde hair was whipped across his eyes and
face as if he had just gotten off the windy slopes of
Telluride.

Overall it was a good night. Currently I am fighting
a nasty stomach flu and had to cancel tonight's gig.
I feel horrible. Horrible with guilt more than flu. Poor
little me. I ate something-prob someone's leftover
pate-that made my tum tum a little sicky sick. Fifty
bucks says I am being made fun of in the kitchen or
even worse will not be called back to cater for a while.

I once saw chef get a nasty cut with a sharp knife while
slicing celery root. We were about to serve 540 guests.
He asked one of the kitchen guys to hand him some silver
duct tape. He wrapped his bleeding finger several times
and what do you know-moved on.

Topics Suggested, Explored Further

Topic Suggestion #3-Why it is that after you get
married, you have a group of friends that just stop
talking to you...???

More Than Donuts used to be married. Yeah-so what.
Anyway, the reasons why people stop talking to you
when you get married are the following:

-They assume that you and your partner are watching
'Friends' or shopping for things at Crate & Barrell

-They assume that when they ask you to join them
for a number of pints like the good old days when
one, two or more of you would wake up on the curb
they will be met with a phrase similar to one like,
'Oh...sorry. (insert name of boyfriend/girlfriend)'s
mom is in town. We are heading to The Jewish
Museum.'

-Because they don't want to hear the two of you
either tell endless stories about how great the other
person is or to listen to you two fight like chickens.

That's why.

Topics Suggested, Explored Further

Topic Suggestion #4-If I were the Christmas
Light Police, I would first crack down on.....

The Christmas decoration violators in Brooklyn
that wrap an otherwise non illuminated Mary
statue in so many Christmas lights that she
appears to be ready for take off from the
Kennedy Space Center rather than standing
peacfully at the cresh with baby Jesus.

That Time Again

It's that time again where More Than Donuts
needs some suggested blogging topics. Feel
free to fire away.

Note To Self:

Never discuss Jessica Alba after too much wine
with a bunch of guys. You will regret it.