Giving Thanks

Sometimes when I am really fucking crabby
(like now) I like to say,

"Thank you God. Thank you for alcohol."

My Blind Date

A person in my office is being set up on a blind date. I was
set up on a blind date once. It was a while ago when I was
still in college and living a lonely existence apartment sitting
on Avenue A and serving as a slave…I mean an intern for
PAPER magazine.

My mom's friend wanted to set me up with her trainer.

Famous last words:
'I swear-he's not a muscle beefcake guy I swear.'

'Barry' and I met at a restaurant in SoHo. It was near his gym.
He showed up wearing a grape colored tank top and skin tight
biker pants. He had the biggest neck I have ever seen. His blue
eyes would drift off when I started talking, he checked out the
ass of our waitress a number of times and when I went to order
a BLT he said, 'No-she'll have the sesame noodles-they are low
fat' and then winked at me.

After the fastest lunch of my life I bolted but not before he said,
'You know…I find you really hot. You could use some lower
body work but overall I really think we might have something
here…'