Prepare to be amazed by THIS photo

Not Going Out Like That

The day I die let's hope it's not working a catering
gig serving a buffet style meal at the Mayor's office.
That was where I was today when someone opened
fire and shot Councilman Davis.

I should clarify that I was in the courthouse adjacent
to the Mayor's Office where the shooting took place.
Our dining room looked into the giant windows of
where everything went down. It was still scary because
we were not allowed to leave the building for a couple
of hours. At one point police were told a gunman was
loose in our building which made everyone panic and
stern police to yell, "I said get away from those windows
now!!!"

Our building was sealed off -giant wooden doors shut,
bullet proof glass down, officers running everywhere,
people being shuffled into rooms.

Emergencies bring out the most eclectic behaviors.
There were those that thought it was a good time
to revisit the tragedy of September 11th by sharing
stories. There were those that ran to the kitchen to
grab extra rolls afraid we would be trapped there all
night with no food. There were those that called loved
ones and those that were from other countries saying
this was nothing. Try growing up in South Africa.

In the middle of all the mess, one of the gay waiters
I worked with began changing out of his all black
catering uniform and into his bright colored blue and
yellow t-shirt and green sneakers. "Fuck it," he said.
"If I'm going to die honey, trust me it's not going to
be wearing all black."

It’s All Fun and Games Until Marisa Tomei Socks
Someone In The Balls

Last night I catered another party. The fellow wait staff
was hilarious. You never know who you’ll be teamed up
with for the night so when it’s a fun group the time goes
quickly.

There was the Kate Hudson looking actress who shared stories
about her passion for skydiving. There was the young Diana
Ross looking singer girl who belted out tunes in the kitchen
while we lined up to fill our trays with more food. There was
the tall, big smile Australian professional surfer / model /
photographer (we’ll get back to him later). And then there
was Jack. As usual Jack was the star of the night. Just back
from a two-month musical theater stint on a cruise ship, he
had all the one-liners. When some of the guys were having
trouble passing food through the crowd Jack said,
“Boys-you need to be aggressive and watch me. You
need to run…run like sperm!”

In attendance was Eddie Falco in a red speckled dress.
There was a super pregnant Molly Shannon. There was Fred
Schneider from the B52’s in fire engine red pants. There was
Danny Devitto sucking on a giant cigar. There was Rhea
Pearlman and their entire crew of short, frizzy haired kids.
There was Rhea’s mom who requested things piecemeal
from me all night in a raspy, Brooklyn accent:

Rhea’s mom: “Watah…(Water). I need a Watah.”
Me: “Sure ok.”
(15 minutes later I fight my way back to the VIP lounge
through the crowded dance floor)
Me: “Here ya go”
Rhea’s mom: “Cup. I needa cup.”
Me: “O…K. Be right back” (15 minutes later I return with a cup)
Rhea’s Mom: “Ice. I need ice.”
And so on and so forth.

The highlight of the night was when mistakenly during the
tune of ‘Footloose’ (NOTE: NEVER ATTEMPT TO CLEAR ANY
GLASS OBJECTS FROM A DANCE FLOOR DURING THE TUNE OF
‘FOOTLOOSE’) Australian surfer guy went to remove an empty
beer bottle off a ledge close to where Marisa Tomei was dancing
wildy in flip-flops. All of the sudden Marisa busted a move that
involved a frantic pony tail swing and then threw her hands
back violently socking Australian surfer guy hard in the nuts.
He went down like he’d been shot. Marisa, oblivious to what
just happened kept on dancing.

Joining him shortly after in the kitchen while he recuperated
I offered these words of comfort: Hey, at least you can say
you got socked in the balls by Marisa Tomei.

Don't Tap The Waitress-Trust Me

I am looking for a job. I woke up this morning with those
Sunday blahs thinking of Monday when everyone will be
off to work and I will be who knows whating. Watching
Dr. Phil? Not really. Maybe. Sometimes I stress myself
out until an emotional paralysis where I start thinking
of all the money I owe to people, etc. This is not helpful.

I cater to earn extra cash sometimes. I recently worked
some model party where I carried around trays decorated
with the heads of sunflowers. When people talked over
the booming music, they would grab a chicken skewer off
my tray and stab it into the eye of the sunflower thinking
it was a dip. Are these people for real??? I must have
had this conversation 10,000 times that night:

(screaming over music)
"What is this??"
"Chicken skewers"
"WHAT?"
"Chicken skewers"
(person turns to friend confused)
friend says, '"What are they?"
"CHICKEN SKEWERS"
"Oh wow- thanks" -person turns to
friend, "They are chicken skewers"

This exhange takes place over 3-4 minutes over and
over again. On my way back to the kitchen with an
empty tray with only the sunflower decoration on it,
people would jab me in the side or tap me too hard
on the shoulder saying,

'Excuse me Miss? What is that? I'd like some?' to which
I'd say, 'Actually, it's nothing. It's a sunflower decoration.
I am heading to the kitchen to get more food.'

My tray is heavy. I want to go home.