Last Night's Dream-You Analyze

Last night in my dream I was given an award for being the most
giving person in America. I was in the wings of a dark auditorium
watching a slide show of all my amazing accomplishments. One
of the photos showed me replacing the bloody bandage of
wounded soldier on the field. At the end of it, I was called to the
front of the room to open a giant gift wrapped in a white cloth. It
turned out to be a TV that played a movie of what I actually won
-a six month vacation around the world -for two. Everyone was
clapping and so happy and excited and I stammered….’But I…
thank you but…wait I...I don’t have that much vacation time…’

Side Splitting

I just wanted to see if any one else thought it was
HILARIOUS that on a day when I'm alone getting
the phones at work, the same HILARIOUS guy
keeps calling back for a client here but says stuff
like, 'tell her it's 'the frog' calling or wait...actually
...tell her (5 other phone lines blinking) tell her that
...um (giant lunch order arriving must sign for check)
tell her that it's 'prince charles' but then wait for her
to first say (boss buzzing me frantically on intercom)
'Who?' and then (Fed-Ex arriving with package) if
she finally can't guess tell her it's Mark Coles.'

'please hold'
BUZZ
'Maria?'
'Mark Coles-line 4'
CLICK

Only Sisters

I hate when I leave my cell phone at home and
have no way to reach my sister immediately to
ask her the burning question if I look better with
short hair or long hair and depending on which
one what should I do about it...

Another One For The List

Frenemies: people who act friendly to your face
but scheme and talk smack behind your back.

The Yearly



Every year as I woman, I go off to my yearly OBGYN
appointment. I am ever so tempted to write OGBYN
-just because and not only because I'm a bad speller.
Sometimes it's spooky there. Not in a bad way. Just
in a, 'HEY JUST INCASE YOU FORGOT YOU HAVE
SOME EGGS AND CAN MAKE BABIES' kind of way.

Child Magazine. Parent Magazine. Family Circle.
Highlights. Children running in the lobby. Women
pregnant. Photos on walls of moms kissing the
heads of tiny, tiny babies. Couple holding hands
trying to get pregnant. Young girl looking as if
might pregnant but not wanting to be. Woman
knitting baby blanket. It's no wonder I'm not
spontaneously impregnated by merely sitting
in the waiting room.

I enter the exam room. I am asked to remove
the 'lower half' of my clothes and my bra. 'Sorry
we are out of robes.' Out of robes here is like
being on the can with no TP. Hung out to dry.
A woman screams bloody murder from the
area next door while I sit waiting in a cold
purple room. When the female Doc comes
in I ask, 'Is she ok?' to which she responds,
'Yes. I just had to perform a procedure on her.'
to which I say half joking, 'Pease don't do the
same on me'...

Ain't Going Out Like That

If at any point I happen to be an accomplished
writer listed in the New York Times obituaries,
feel free to leave out any parts resembling the
phrase 'passed on due to complications during
bowel movement surgery'. Thanks.

Missing Out

I've never had a hickie. Did I miss out on something
so high school and great? Today the office intern
showed up with four on her neck after a wild weekend
at Six Flags Great Adventure. I went to Six Flags once.
The only thing I came home with was a canker sore
on my tongue from eating too much cotton candy.