PILLOW TALK

Listen up pillow loving people...you have gone too far.

I don’t sleep with a pillow. Some of you may find this strange. But for years now I have crawled into beds across America (and I don’t mean that in a slutty kind of way) -fancy hotels, friend’s houses, etc. and no matter what the conditions are I immediately throw the pillow straight to the floor.

I often wondered why this was-why I was not in the norm until I came home for the holidays and noticed my bed was a minefield of pillow madness. There were enough pillows on my bed to host a sleepover for Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

When I lay down to go to sleep, I don't want to stuff a bunch of crap under my head to prop me up so my sleeping experience mirrors that of a stiff neck producing, upright snooze on an airplance.

People are crazy about their pillows. Take my parents for example. Last night I overheard a disturbing conversation:

Mom: "Wow. My neck hurts."
Dad: "Time for your cherry pit pillow."
Me: "Her what?"
Mom: "My cherry pit pillow."
Me: ?????
Dad: "A pillow full of cherry pits."
Me: "Like...used cherry pits? What are we talking about here."
Mom: "No! Clean cherry pits."
Dad: "You put it in the microwave and it heats up."
Me: "Ok. Now you guys are just lying to me..."
Mom: "No! We swear! It's great! Try it!"
Me: "I'm sorry. I'm not trying a microwavable used cherry pit pillow. Not happening."

What next people-

Scented pillows?
Translucent pillows?
Glow in the dark pillows?
Pillows with Ipod outlets?
Pillows made of ice for those hot summer nights?