Do you think it's not a great sign--fashion wise
that transvestites are often seen shopping at
my favorite clothing store?

It's Valentine's Day

Where's My:

Caviar
Champagne and chocolates
Diamond ring
Dozen roses
Etable underwear
Eternity ring band
Gift basket wrapped in red cellphane
Gift certificate to Bliss spa
Hallmark Card
Heart shaped helium balloon
Heart anklet
Lobster dinner gift certificate
My bed & breakfast weekend get away
Pearl necklace
Poem
Personalized GUND Teddy Bear in an 'I Love You' T-shirt
Precious Moments Valentine's Figurines
Red mug with cinnamon candies
Ruby heart shaped necklace
Valentine Cookies
Victoria's Secret gift certificate

Don't you LOVE ME?????!!!!!!

I Wanna Like It

I wanna like Time Out magazine but I just can't.
When I flip through it it makes me feel all stressed
out like, 'Hey you-here are 176 pages worth of shit
you really should be doing instead of going home
after work, cracking open a Bud and putting on
your freakin' cozy pants-again.'

I'm Working I Swear

My boss just yelled out, 'Who printed out
a recipe for Tempura Batter? Anyone?'
Um...oops. Me. I'm working I swear.

If It Gets Real Bad

"This fucking country's lost its grip
Sub-conscious hold begins to slip
The scales of justice tend to tip
The legal system has no spine
It's corroding from inside
Slap your hand, you'll do no time…"

It's nice when you get Slayer stuck
in your head in the morning. Sort of
sums it all up doesn't it. I guess if it
gets really bad we could always move
to Anaheim and breed snakes and
show-dogs like Kerry King. Sigh.

Who Cares

Am I the only person alive that doesn't give
two shits about Oscar nominations?

Actual Personal Ad

Hey, what up ladies, what's going on today?
Damian here 6', 220, light skin, no kids I swear.
I work, holding it down for myself. You and me
whatever happens, happens. You like cultural
events? Wanting to see the Producers? Think of
me. I'm into playing pool, hanging wid my peeps,
bowling, love the movies, going out to the movies
or just staying home to watch movies and making
it a Blockbuster night. I also love walks on the
beach at night-depending on the weather,
bubble baths, great listener. Call me.

Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do

Last night I attended my friend's birthday party.
At the end of the night her dick boyfriend dumped
her-yes on her birthday.

Getting dumped sucks. I was super dumped once
by my high school boyfriend of a few years. I was
going to college eight hours away and he was off
to Vassar where the girl to guy ratio was in his favor.

The summer after the big dump he brought the girl
home to our small town. People asked, 'Wow. Are
you two back together?' everywhere I went because
she and I looked so much alike. And as if that wasn't
bad enough I constantly ran into the two of them
driving around in their VW bug or walking hand and
hand around town. Once I ran into them rolling in the
surf at our favorite beach -her in a tiny white bikini-
him golden tan and me…well me in charge of
babysitting two bratty kids and carrying a giant
blow up dolphin raft under one arm. This love stuff
can really be so cruel.