Forgotten Family Memory

One time on a family trip at the airport
my sister asked my mom to take her to
the bathroom. Normally this would be no
no big deal but this particular gate involved
the two of them going back through security,
walking miles to the nearest bathroom, etc.

In the ladies room they waited on line for a
while. When it was finally my sister's turn instead
of heading towards the stall she walked over
towards the mirror.

"What are you doing?" my mother asked. Crossing
her eyes my sister said, "I wanted to see what I
looked like crosseyed in the mirror."

Reasons Enough Not To Date Me

I'll wear your socks so you have none left
and I'll leave a bunch of half finished, perfectly
good beers around the house.

Lame

Yesterday I was thinking that I should get a bike
to encourage myself to excercise more. Then I
remembered there was a used bike store not
more than a 15 minute walk from my house.
Then I thought, 'Wow. I wonder how much it
would cost to get a car service to drive me over
there.'

If Seen Please Call

Last night we did a good deed. E and I were walking
home from the subway. Out of the corner of E's eye
he spotted a little orange & white cat's head peeking
out of the broken window of an abandon building. I
yelled, 'That's the cat!' to which E looked confused.
'The cat! From the sign!' For some reason I was
very excited. Earlier that day I had read this poster:

LOST CAT!
Heinz is a large, medium haired orange & white tabby.
Sweet & lovable. If seen please call....

We called the cat over. It was clean and white and
cute-an indoor cat for sure. We hoped it was the one.
I ran and got the poster off the mailbox. E called and
the owners came running. They lived right across the
street. They were like parents that lost their kid-angry
at first but so thankful to find him. Lots of hugging.
Hugging-as in them and their cat. Not all of us.

I think the main problem with lost 'whatever' posters-
lost cat, lost kid, lost watch is that sentiment takes over
when writing the signs and then people like me-don't
really know what we should be looking for. You never
see signs like this:

Lost Cat!
This cat is really fucking annoying but we love him. Orange
tabby. He may claw through the garbage, rip up precious
family photos and refuse to drink water unless it's in a
metal bowl. If seen please call...

Lost Child!
I'm going to frickin' kill this kid when they get home but
we really miss her. She is our darling baby. I hope she
is ok but I can't even begin to tell you the punishment
she will endure when she returns. If seen please call...

Lost Watch!
I never really liked this watch and it pinches the hair on
my wrist but my girlfriend's mom gave it to me and if I
don't get it back I'm in some fucking deep shit. If seen
please call...

Smelly Pants

Last night in a rush I took some black jeans
out of the dryer. They had been in there a
few days and weren't really all that dry. At
the bar after a few drinks people started
saying things like, 'Wow! This bar smells
musty!' and 'Ugh-someone has some
serious body odor issues'. It didn't occur
to me after the 3rd comment or so that
um...it was actually me. Me and my smelly
pants.