WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DATE ME

It will be 7am and I will tap you on the shoulder in my bra and underwear with a headband on and crazy wild hair sticking out saying,

K: Um...there is a roach. In the bathroom.

And then you will say,

E: Oh really? Ok.

And then you will roll over to go back to bed. And then I will politely wait a moment or two and then I will tap you on the shoulder again and say,

K: Actually, um...can you kill it? Because it's GIGANTIC and it's in the shower. It has long hairy horrible legs. I'm late for work.

And then I will wait outside the door because I can't even watch. And then even though I hear the entire hitting and smashing and flushing process when you come out and say it's 'safe to go in' now I will say,

K: Are you sure? Are you sure it's dead?
and really mean it.

GHOST OF KDUNK PAST

Tonight I enjoyed a lovely dinner catching up with my two girl cousins that I haven�t seen in a while. We had fun laughing and going down memory lane. Inevitably the conversation turned to what it always does - how I am the oldest cousin and how I tortured them as kids:

M: Remember when K put piles of salt at the bottom of my OJ when I went to the bathroom and tricked me into having a �OJ drinking contest� to see who could finish their drink the quickest?

K: Who? Me?

S: Or the time K said Oscar the Grouch lived in the garden hose and that I should look inside and then she blasted the water on.

K: I did this? Oh wait�I did.

M: Or what about when we were in the minivan stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and K gave me a super hot fireball and I was crying and dying for water and Mom was freaking out.

KL It wasn�t that hot�

S: Or the time she told M to take an ice cube right out of the freezer and put it on her tongue because it tasted 'really, really good' and we had to stick M�s tongue under hot water to remove it?

K: Ohh�that�s bad.

What a terror! Despite having done the pranks I still felt bad. More importantly - where were my parents during all this? Playing in a drum circle? Making God�s eyes? Running in a field of daisies?

All I know is that the stories died down, we paid our check and left the restaurant. As M turned around to wave goodbye I was tempted to motion that she had toilet paper sticking out the back of her skirt but hey�I didn�t.

WHOOPI-what AH YA doin'

If you were looking for the where abouts of Whoopi Goldberg on Saturday night I know where she was. She was making me a Stoli Cranberry in Massachusetts at a local bar called Captain Carlo�s Seafood.

I know when many of you read this you will think I am completely insane and full of crap. The rest of you that don�t think that will think I�m racist or nuts because it was just someone that �looked� like Whoopi. It wasn�t. It was friggin� Whoopi Goldberg wearing a peach striped shirt and jeans and her hair back and those signature annoying sunglasses and there was a Prince cover band and let me tell you it was one of the most surreal moments of my life.

I am from New York. I see celebrities all of the time. This should not be a big deal to me. But somehow thanks to the combo of being in this funky local bar with real Massachusetts locals and some frat boys and Whoopi-blew my mind.

When my friends were driving me there I was making fun of THEM saying THEY were full of shit until I saw her with my very own eyes. Was she doing research for an upcoming role? Does she summer here? What was the DEAL??? Luckily, I had a fantastic resource. My friend�s father is the mayor of the town. Apparently Whoopi called a meeting with the mayor telling him to have the local press back off and leave her alone. She�s friends with the owner and she herself is part-owner of the bar.

The night I saw Whoopi, a local, rough around the edges woman with a �Tina� tattoo sensed my surprise (jaw drop�eyes wide) and nudged me in the ribs as I waited for my drink,

T: (thick Boston accent) Wic-kid re-ta-did, huh?
K: Uh�yes! Very weird!
T: She�s not nice ee-tha. I was in hee once. I said somethin� about her bah being too crowded and how the wait for a drink was ha-rrible. She grabbed my shirt and said, �Don�t talk shit about this bah!�
K: Really?!
T: Yeah. And I said, �Go back te Ha-lee-wood Squares!'